


The Last of Us

by PadnProng



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Action/Adventure, Ambushes and Sneak Attacks, Character Death, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Friends to Enemies, Implied/Referenced Sex, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), POV James Potter, POV Remus Lupin, POV Sirius Black, Sexual Tension, i smell a rat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-01-05 15:25:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12192549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PadnProng/pseuds/PadnProng
Summary: “That must be terribly painful,” Voldemort sighed. “But you see, you cannot save them--in truth, you never could. Because they are mine, all of them.Youare mine,""One way or another, every last one of them will look upon me the way you are right now. Waiting for their death. Ineffectual and worthless. And I won’t stop until the very last of you are dead. And not just the Order, but your families, too. Everyone you have ever loved.” He caressed her face.





	1. October, 1980: Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a pretty adventurous undertaking for us! This fic spans October 1980-1981--covering the last twelve months of the first wizarding war, and follows the lives of the marauders through his period.
> 
> We plan to publish chapters monthly (or bi-monthly if they are too long) and welcome all feedback!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colors lit up the night sky: Red and green. It reminded Sirius of his final stunt at Hogwarts. He and James had drunkenly sent off hundreds of Dr. Filibuster’s wet-start no-heat fireworks from the astronomy tower. The entire castle had gleefully abandoned their beds to watch the display from the grounds. He could still remember hearing Hagrid’s booming cheers and Filch’s aggrieved despair. He could still remember how he and James had laughed so hard that they nearly passed out.
> 
> But this was no fireworks show.

Colors lit up the night sky: Red and green. It reminded Sirius of his final stunt at Hogwarts. He and James had drunkenly sent off hundreds of Dr. Filibuster’s wet-start no-heat fireworks from the astronomy tower. The entire castle had gleefully abandoned their beds to watch the display from the grounds. He could still remember hearing Hagrid’s booming cheers and Filch’s aggrieved despair. He could still remember how he and James had laughed so hard that they nearly passed out.

But this was no fireworks show.

Sirius’ senses returned to him only after the white noise from smashing his head on the crater of rocks faded. He heard the screaming first and then smelled the smoke. Forcing his head up off the ground, he took in his blurry surroundings: Their camp was burning, along with half the surrounding moor. The Death Eaters had breached their concealment charms.

_Get up. Get the fuck up._

He heard his own voice in his head, it sounded like a stranger’s—but he obeyed nonetheless. Sirius grabbed for his wand in the dark grass and pushed his blood-soaked hair out of his face. As he dragged himself to his feet, he grunted in pain. Several ribs were broken, no doubt about it. 

Black cloaked figures were swarming everywhere in sight. Sirius assessed that they must be outnumbered at least five to one. The source of the screaming was coming from the pair of duelers closest to Sirius. A Death Eater was visible about ten yards away from him, fighting Marlene McKinnon. It didn’t look as though Marlene could hold out much longer.

Thanks to Sirius’ adept use of nonverbal spells, Marlene’s attacker didn’t even know what hit him. He was violently thrown backwards by the surprise attack and hit the ground with the wind knocked out of him. Taking advantage of this moment of vulnerability, Sirius darted around sprays of red spells towards the fallen Death Eater. And when he was close enough, he pounced.

Sirius constricted the attacker’s throat with one hand and kept his wand pointed at his head in the other. The weight of his body kept the stunned man pinned to the ground.

“ _How did you find us? Who told you?_ ” Sirius yelled through gritted teeth, shaking with rage. He watched as this stranger was suffocating. He gladly would have killed him, but what good would that do just now? Without any information on this ambush his death was useless. Releasing his grip, Sirius pulled back the man’s hood and ripped off his mask, then looked down at the face of Evan Rosier--A former Slytherin who had been in his year at Hogwarts.

Rosier looked up at Sirius and began to laugh mirthlessly. 

“Well, if it isn’t _Black the Blood Traitor_. Enjoying your surprise party? You’re the guest of honor, after all.”

Sirius responded by shattering Rosier’s cheekbone with a solid crack of his fist.

“WHO TOLD YOU?” he demanded a second time, snapping Rosier’s wand in two then gripping him by the robes. Rosier opened his mouth to speak just as Sirius was suddenly hit by a passing spell.

With Sirius being momentarily bemused from the confundus charm, Rosier seized the opportunity and freed himself. Marlene jumped in to take him on while Sirius scrambled up from the grass and stood beside her. Rosier had found a spare wand and was now joined by two larger cloaked figures, undoubtedly Mulciber and Avery.

Sirius skillfully deflected their attacks and dodged the spells that slipped past his wand-work. Marlene kept pace with him and corralled the three to keep them in one place. Eventually, Sirius managed to get a spell through their defenses. There was a brief pause as the men realized what happened; followed immediately by a shock wave blast that sent all three electrified men skyrocketing out of the battlefield. Blue lightning strips marked their trajectory across the sky.

Marlene turned to look at Sirius with astonishment, “What the fuck was that?”

Sirius’ countenance mirrored her own, “I’ve no fucking idea.”

Five new Death Eaters surrounded them. Marlene and Sirius exchanged a disconcerting glance. Sirius then looked from one cloak to the next--his wand-arm at the ready while his free hand stealthily slipped behind his back and gripped the sheath of a dagger under his shirt that was attached to his belt.

“Take him alive!” A masked voice commanded.

One of the cloaks foolishly dove to grab Sirius from behind. Without hesitation, he spun around and plunged the blade into their neck. Just as Sirius and Marlene were about to be overtaken by the remaining cloaks, an eruption of screaming sounded in the distance. And then there was a brilliant flash of green light.

All fighting stopped as every dueler turned to see what was happening. The cease allowed Sirius to realize that they were in close proximity to Edgar Bones. Edgar had been defending himself against four Death Eaters of his own. They acknowledged each other briefly through labored breathing before turning to witness the life leave Fabian Prewett as the green flash faded. He was dead before he hit the ground. 

Antonin Dolohov stood over the body with a dark, indifferent look in his sunken eyes.

Without thinking, Sirius began to lunge towards Dolohov. 

“Sirius! Don’t!” Marlene tried to call after him, but Sirius was already yards away from her. Sirius quickly realized he wasn’t the only one running. Gideon, Fabian’s brother, was also barreling towards Dolohov, screaming as loudly as his lungs could allow.

Sirius ran with enraged determination while sending spells at Dolohov, but he was out of range. And Gideon was much closer. 

“GIDEON, STOP,” Sirius called breathlessly, realizing what was about to happen.

But Gideon continued to storm towards Dolohov, blasting spells at any Death Eater in his path. He left at least five of them stunned or dead in his wake. All the while, Dolohov just watched Gideon, waiting.

And then he smirked. “ _Avada Kedavra._ ”

The sky was still lit with green light when Sirius was abruptly restrained—he and his restrainer tumbled hard into the muck.

Sirius was about to head-butt his restrainer in the face when he heard a familiar voice:

“Don’t be a fool!” The gruff voice of Mad-Eye Moody hissed into his ear. “If you’re dead or captured then Lily and James are lost!”

“And what about Gideon and Fabian?” Sirius snarled as he panted, turning his head to glare at Mad-Eye.

In the distance, howls distinct to werewolves could be heard, announcing their arrival.

“They’re dead. And soon we will _all_ be dead if we don’t get out of here now.” Mad-Eye’s magical eye was rolling wildly. He swiftly stunned a nearby Death Eater he had seen through the eye behind them.

Sirius looked away in fury and agony, but nodded curtly with understanding.

“My bike. Next to the camp. But not without Marlene and Edgar.”

Mad-Eye pulled Sirius up by his sweat-soaked and bloodied shirt and the pair fled into the darkness--parrying attacks from the cheering and hollering Death Eaters as they went. Luckily, many of the Death Eaters were distracted in celebrating the deaths of two formidable opponents.

The camp wasn’t far off. They managed to unite with a teary Marlene and a pale-faced Edgar at the edge of the battlefield. Both of them were bloodied and covered in ash--Marlene’s blonde hair was nearly unrecognizable. But they were both very much alive.

“You alright?” Sirius asked Marlene breathlessly.

“I’m fine...Thought you were dead.” She crossed her arms.

“Not yet,” he said with a tired grin. Marlene's face broke into a smile in return.

"Let's move!" Mad-Eye barked, snapping Sirius' attention back to their escape.

Together, they all lay low and approached their still-burning camp in concentrated silence. There was no use in wasting time to retrieve the plans they had labored tirelessly over for weeks. The tent that secured these plans and all of their belongings had been swallowed by flames. Sirius stopped to watch the burning in dismayed disbelief for just a moment until he was pushed forward by Mad-Eye.

Sirius pulled his felled, damaged motorcycle from the grass and swung his leg over it. After determining that the damage was superficial, he leaned forward on the bike and gripped the handlebars. Then he kicked the sidecar out from the magical compartment he had built into the bike. Marlene hurriedly climbed on behind Sirius and wrapped her arms around his abdomen while Mad-Eye and Edgar squeezed into the sidecar. He could feel Marlene’s heartbeat hammering against his back. It was strangely calming.

They could see the shadowy figures of the werewolf pack advancing closer into the moor now. Most assuredly being led by Fenrir Greyback. Which meant nothing good for the Order members. 

"Hang on," Sirius warned Marlene with a small smirk before he kick started the engine, sending the 1975 Triumph Bonneville roaring into life. Immediately, he accelerated and watched--with satisfaction--how quickly the speedometer blew towards the 160mph maximum. But even when the max was reached, it continued to pick up speed. He dodged several streaks of spells as they burned through the moor, nearly knocking Marlene off of his back several times. Mad-Eye and Edgar sent bolts of light whizzing behind them in retaliation. When a mass of silhouettes appeared in front of them, Sirius pulled back on the handlebars, jerking the bike off the ground. As they took to the sky, he beheld the smoking moor below. The thirty or so Death Eaters were still celebrating with their werewolf allies.

They had been on a highly classified expedition. The only way Voldemort could have discovered their location was from the inside.

The dark mark exploded in the sky as the survivors escaped into the clouds.

~~*~~


	2. October, 1980: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The room was tense; it wasn’t that the Order had won the battle, not exactly, anyway--Dolohov had murdered the Prewetts, and that had certainly been a triumph...it was Evan’s _own_ failure and the reality that it would inevitably be unveiled to the Dark Lord that left him nearly sick.
> 
> He’d had Black on top of him, and Evan had failed to capture him.

Rosier returned to the Lestrange manor and slumped into a chair in the parlor. A sense of deep and abiding dread gnawed at his gut as others filtered in sullenly to the waiting room for a meeting with the Dark Lord himself.

The room was tense; it wasn’t that the Order had won the battle, not exactly, anyway--Dolohov had murdered the Prewetts, and that had certainly been a triumph...it was Evan’s _own_ failure and the reality that it would inevitably be unveiled to the Dark Lord that left him nearly sick.

He’d had Black on top of him, and Evan had failed to capture him.

Evan didn’t know exactly how it was that the Potters had managed to fall off the face of the Earth--they used to be everywhere, at every battle; the two had even faced the Dark Lord himself _three times_ and lived to tell the tale. The mudblood had disappeared after the traitor knocked her up, but James would still turn up at various skirmishes and confrontations. 

Not long after Severus told them about the prophecy, though, James too had disappeared, never to be seen again at any Order battle or safe house or any other conceivable place they might be. They had search and pillaged endless locales where the Potters might be hiding to no avail. It was as though they’d vanished into thin air, but the Death Eaters had one lead on this mystery; if anyone would know where Potter had gone off to, it would be Black. Pettigrew, useless thing that he was, insisted even under the Dark Lord’s wrath that he hadn’t set eyes on the Potters in months, and finally, Evan was inclined to believe the git really was in the dark and the Potters were not quite fool enough to trust him. There _was_ the werewolf as well, but Evan felt certain that out of the three, Potter trusted and loved Black best. He had to know something. The Dark Lord knew this too, which was why they all were under orders to capture Black rather than kill him. 

And Evan had let him get away.

Avery, Mulciber and Pettigrew sat beside Evan, all of them pale-faced and exchanging terrified glances in anticipation.

Bellatrix, Severus, Lucius suddenly entered the parlor. All three sneered down at Evan. They were all still filthy having just come to the battle despite the late hour. The exhaustion was clear to see in their glossy eyes. Each took a seat in circle formation surrounding Evan, Mulciber, Avery and Pettigrew. There was one empty chair left to close the circle.

They all sat in silence for several minutes until Bellatrix could no longer restrain herself.

“Idiot!” she snarled, pointing at Evan. “I hope the Dark Lord let’s _me_ kill you.” She smirked darkly.

Then, the double doors of the parlor opened, followed by the slinking, coiling body of Nagini. She greeted the room of Death Eaters by drawing back her fangs and hissing threateningly. She slithered close to Evan and extended herself so that they were eye-to-eye.

She watched him for a moment before lunging for his face, chomping her jaw mere inches from his nose.

Evan had to bite back a scream as terror coursed through his veins; a strangled cross between a gasp and a groan managed to escape his lips.

“Now, now, Nagini, that’s no way to treat our guests,” the smooth voice of Lord Voldemort could be heard from the doorway.

“My Lord!” Bellatrix burst out and immediately threw herself off of her chair and bowed to Voldemort on her knees.

Severus fought back a sneer as he regarded Bellatrix but bowed low from his seat. Lucius followed his lead. The rest followed in turn.

Evan weakly returned the gesture, keeping his eyes trained on the ground.

Voldemort took a seat in the armchair at the head of the circle. Nagini backed away from Evan and coiled herself around Voldemort’s chair.

“I hear there was a great celebration tonight after the moor ambush,” Voldemort began, looking at each Death Eater’s face as he rapped his knuckle on the armrest of the chair.

“I do apologize for taking you all away from the _fun_ ,” his sarcasm was subtle but Severus and Lucius had now followed Evan’s gaze to the floor.

“I’m so very glad that we succeeded in our mission. Now, can one of you bring me Sirius Black? Naturally we must have him--that’s why we’re celebrating, isn’t it?”

Whatever color was left in Evan’s face drained completely at the mention of Black. He felt like he was about to pass out. He wasn’t the only one, though--from the corner of his eye, he saw Pettigrew twitch visibly. 

The room was dead silent other than Nagini’s occasional hiss and Voldemort’s knuckles knocking on the chair.

Finally, Lucius cleared his throat. “We did not secure him, my Lord.”

“Did not secure him?” Voldemort asked, mocking surprise. “Severus, remind me of the purpose of that ambush…”

Severus lip thinned as he turned to face Voldemort. “To secure Black.”

“Now see, you can understand my confusion. Celebrating typically follows a _victory_. Bellatrix, tell me what happened,” His tone was becoming harsher each time he opened his mouth to speak.

Bellatrix looked all too pleased to be the one to inform the Dark Lord of Rosier’s failings, but her expression swiftly darkened as the scope of his incompetency sent her on the brink of a rage. “Rosier was duelling the McKinnon brat, my Lord, and for some reason didn’t manage to kill her. Then my filthy blood traitor of an ex-cousin pinned Rosier to the ground, and he didn’t manage to overtake the traitor,” Bellatrix tuted then turned to Avery and Mulciber. 

“And you two tried to incapacitate _Sirius_ too, didn’t you?” she asked. Bellatrix refused to refer to him as Black, refused to bestow that honor on him any longer. “In any case, Sirius bested them all and got away.”

Mulciber, whose eyes were still red and swollen from mourning his father, now widened at Bellatrix exposing him. Avery looked just about as sick and meek as Rosier as their names were now dragged through the mud. Evan had been the only one unmasked, but Bellatrix always seemed to _know_ who was who.

“Oh, then the little blood traitor killed Mulciber Senior. Stabbed him in the neck like a common Muggle.”

“What I’m gathering is that one _boy_ bested _four_ of my men. Now, either Black has some incredible superhuman skill or i’m in need of better men. I’m leaning towards the latter.” Voldemort’s black eyes were burning with rage now.

He stood up abruptly and strode over to Evan, regarding him with a loathsome stare.

“Yes, I see the marks from where he grabbed your throat,” Voldemort remarked quietly. “You must’ve been close enough to have kissed him, even,” he sneered.

Voldemort suddenly grabbed Evan’s throat with one hand and lifted him up into the air.

“Perhaps I should kill you all like muggles. If that’s how _weak_ we are. He turned and stared into Evan’s eyes as he choked him.

His eyes widened as he struggled for air.

“Each and every one of you has failed me tonight,” he addressed the room before looking back to Evan.

The entire room tensed as they watched Evan suffocating, all wondering what would come of them next.

Bellatrix, meanwhile, watched with a loathsome expression on her face; if _she_ had gotten half a chance with her foul little cousin, he would be singing all the Potters’ secrets like a canary right now.

“But there are times when a Lord must be merciful,” Voldemort continued. “Rosier, I will grant you a second chance. A chance for you to prove me wrong. You are now in charge of securing Black’s capture. Take Avery, Mulciber and Wormtail with you. I want everything there is to know about Black. I want every weakness he has. And then, I want him writhing at my feet.”

Voldemort looked down at Avery and Mulciber before turning back to the nearly unconscious Evan. 

“And should you fail me again, I will make you beg for death. Do you understand?”

It took Evan a moment to even comprehend what the Dark Lord was saying; his ears were ringing, and he felt as though he was watching and listening to Voldemort speak from the bottom of a pool. Everything was muffled and blurred, everything except the persistent ringing in his ears.

“Yes, my Lord,” he croaked, finally, his throat aching as he spoke.

Voldemort released Evan and dropped him unceremoniously to the floor.

“Glad to hear it,” Voldemort spat. “Now get out--all of you.”

~~*~~

Harry had fallen asleep about a half-hour into the Godric’s Hollow Halloween parade. Lily had twisted her hair into Princess Leia buns, James had felt bad ass in a leather jacket and an outfit that closely resembled Han Solo. There had been much debate over what to do with Harry; Star Wars offered myriad good options for sickeningly adorable baby costumes, but they’d eventually resolved on Chewbacca. Not only did the sight of Harry in his funny costume make James’ heart feel like it was going to burst from the cuteness and ingenuity of it, but the furry little get-up also left Harry toasty warm on the cool autumn day.

The Potters had gotten a lot of fanfare over their clever family costume. They’d taken Harry trick-or-treating as well, which he mostly managed to stay awake for. One of James and Lily’s neighbors asked, “Can he really eat this?” to which James winked and answered, “Nope!” and the older woman laughed. Harry, after all, didn’t have any teeth yet--but James and Lily certainly did.

They made their way home in the early evening to let Harry tuck in for the night, James pushing Harry in his pram. As they neared their block, Lily wrapped her arm around James, squeezing his waist.

“I had fun today,” she told him.

“I’m glad, princess,” said James, leaning in and kissing her. Sometimes, he felt a little guilty for their cozy escape; there was a war on that all his friends were fighting in, that _they_ had fought in, and here he was in Godric’s Hollow now, living a disgustingly adorable little life with his young wife and son. And yet...James really only felt very slightly guilty about it all, and not nearly as badly as he expected he would when he first learned he had to go into hiding. The thing was, building this nice and _safe_ life wasn’t really for James or even Lily, who James knew was just as willing to risk it all. It was all for Harry, and Harry hadn’t asked to be born during a war, he hadn’t asked to be born to vigilante parents, and he sure as hell didn’t ask to make it onto Voldemort’s shit list for a reason James _still_ didn’t fully understand. As James peeked over the top of the pram at Harry fast asleep in his Chewbacca costume, he felt unabashedly certain they were doing the right thing. Harry deserved a happy life, and it was up to James and Lily to give that to him. He had to be their top priority now, not just because he was somehow crucial to Voldemort’s downfall, but because he was _their son_.

Lily rested her hand atop James’ on the pram handle and squeezed it, indicating that her thoughts were wandering in a similar direction.

As James neared the house, he felt a small surge of heat from the small mirror in his pocket--Sirius. He paused and took it out, Lily turning anxiously towards him.

“It’s Sirius,” he said, then peered into the mirror. “Padfoot?” he greeted uncertainly.

Sirius’ dirty, bruised and bloodied face appeared in the mirror.

“I’m sitting at your dining room table. Figured I’d give you a bit of a warning so you didn’t walk in and piss yourselves.”

The image in the mirror of Sirius eyed what he could of James’ costume skeptically. 

“Well done on the costume. But we both know which of us would _really_ be Han Solo. You’re more of a Luke. You’ve got that scrawny hero thing going on. Though, you’ve also got the hair of Chewbacca.” he smirked.

James was startled by Sirius’ appearance, but before he could ask, Sirius managed to elicit a laugh, “I _knew_ you were going to say that,” he told him. “But Lily’s Leia, so I’m not letting you sweep her off her feet,” James said, winking over at Lily, who said “ _As if_ ” as she listened in on this conversation. 

"Her loss," grinned Sirius.

“Thanks for the heads up.” he knew Sirius wasn't there to just hang out, not in the shape he was in, but James was happy to see him soon anyway. James grinned, “Wait until you see Harry.” 

The Potters approached their front door, Lily scooped Harry up and out of the pram. He made a few clucking noises at being stirred, but didn’t quite wake up. Instead, Harry snuggled his head into Lily’s chest. James carried the pram into the entryway and left it there, then preceded into the dining room. He was momentarily surprised to find that it wasn’t just Sirius there, but Marlene, Mad-Eye, and Edgar, too.

“Marly!” Lily squealed, handing Harry off to James as she rushed over and hugged her.

Marlene was laughing at the Potters’ costumes, “You look amazing, Lils,” she said.

Mad-Eye and Edgar, meanwhile, looked thoroughly perplexed.

“What did you do to Harry?” Mad-Eye asked. “Does it have some sort of...protective enchantments on it?”

James had to try not to laugh, “Errrrmm...not exactly. It’s Halloween, remember? Harry’s Chewbacca!” 

Mad-Eye and Edgar continued to stare blankly at this revelation, while Sirius snorted at them with laughter.

In the midst of it all, Sasquatch--the Potters’ old family cat--launched itself from the top of the china cabinet where it’d been hiding, chiefly from Moody, and landed with dexterity on the table. 

Mad-Eye whipped his wand out and nearly killed the thing then and there.

“Moody, no! It’s just the cat!” Lily cried, and he hesitatingly put the wand away. Sasquatch purred and rubbed against James’ side. She then hissed and spat at Sirius; Sasquatch had never much liked Sirius since he’d become an animagus. Sirius stared down at the cat and then emitted a loud bark; this led Sasquatch to hiss once more before abandoning the room all together, not out of fear--just irritation.

“Always been more of a dog person,” Sirius explained with a shrug, winking at James.

“We’re not here for a Halloween party!” Mad-Eye barked, rolling his eye. But no one appeared to be listening. Marlene was still chatting with Lily, Sirius had scooped Harry out of James’ arms and was laughing at his costume--and Edgar had fallen asleep on the the table. 

“HAVE YOU THREE FORGOTTEN WHY WE ARE HERE? HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN GIDEON AND FABIAN ALREADY?”

Harry woke and burst into tears at the sudden noise. 

Sirius paled immediately at Mad-Eye’s outburst. “Of course not,” he stated firmly, his voice hardening. He exchanged a look of grief with Marlene before handing Harry back to Lily. Lily took Harry; though she was alarmed by the allusion to Gideon and Fabian, there was a part of her that would like to remind Moody that _they have a three-month-old_.

“I’ll bring him upstairs,” said Lily. She hurriedly got Harry changed and settled--in spite of Moody’s outburst, it wasn’t too difficult, since he was a bit overtired and eager to sleep. Lily then returned to the dining room.

“We have to talk to you,” Sirius said as Lily reentered the dining room, still dressed as Leia, as she hadn’t wanted to waste anymore time. “And we need this to be relayed to Dumbledore as soon as possible,” Sirius continued, returning to his seat at the end of the table while looking from Lily to James with a grave expression.

“We were on a top secret expedition up north in Windermere for the past two months. Just me, Marly, Mad-Eye, Ed, and the Prewetts. Only a few members of the Order other than us even knew. Anyway, last night the Death Eaters came and then the werewolves. All of them,”

Sirius explained, pausing to swallow hard. “They blasted through our concealment charms and scattered us. We were overwhelmingly outnumbered. Bloody hell, I think Ed was taking on four of them on his own at one point.”

He nodded approvingly to Edgar, quirking an impressed grin. Edgar grinned weakly in response. “Aye, I wasn’t the only one, as I recall,” he said, eyeing Sirius and Marlene.

"I bet Rosier still looks like burnt toast thanks to you," Marlene smirked at Sirius, who sat up slightly higher in his seat with pride.

"Yes, well, I've been compared to James Bond." Sirius replied, modestly. 

"Is that so?" Marlene asked, raising an eyebrow. "By who?"

"Your mum," he answered with his eyes flashing as he crossed his arms.

Marlene leaned over and punched him, hard, in the bicep. "You are _such_ a twat!" she exclaimed and Sirius laughed.

"Get on with it, Black," sighed Mad-Eye. 

“Right. Anyway, we had no chance,” Sirius continued, shooting Mad-Eye an irked look. “Escape was our only means of survival. And Gideon and Fabian…” he looked down at the table now, unable to get the words passed his throat.

“They fought like heroes!” Mad-Eye picked up for Sirius. “But we lost them,” he grunted, bitterly.

James had an increasing sense of dread ever since Mad-Eye’s outburst. From the context in which he’d mentioned them, James had a creeping suspicion that they’d been killed, but that didn’t make the confirmation hurt any less. His throat constricted and he quickly felt tears gather in his eyes. Lily wrapped her arm around James, fighting back tears of her own...but with a little more success than james.

“Has someone spoken to Molly?” asked James quietly.

“This was our first stop on the road. And we couldn’t trust sending an owl,” Sirius frowned.

“We should hold a memorial for them. For all of the Order members,” Edgar suggested, misery mixing in with his exhausted countenance.

Sirius nodded in agreement. But he couldn’t shake his suspicion that someone from the Order had leaked their location.

“You understand what this means, don’t you?” Sirius asked, staring at James with a hard look. “The expedition was _Top Secret_...Only the Order knew. How would the Death Eaters know where to find us?”

“Not this again!” Mad-Eye interjected angrily, pounding the table with his fist. “You can’t go around accusing our own men of treason without proof!”

James shifted uncomfortably in his seat; it wasn’t in his nature to be distrustful, and while Mad-Eye may have scolded Sirius for being _too_ suspicious, he often scolded James for not being suspicious _enough_. 

“What, Gideon and Fabian’s deaths aren’t proof enough for you?’ Sirius spat back.

Mad-Eye abruptly stood up and faced Sirius from the opposite side from the table. Sirius stood in turn, returning Mad-Eye’s glare.

“Watch your tongue, Black. You may be good in a scrap but I can still blast you back home to London,” he warned.

He turned to address the table, “We lost two great men last night and they will be missed but the Death Eaters failed last night. And now we have knowledge of what they’re after…”

Sirius sat back down with a haughty look about him as he listened to Mad-Eye.

“They want Sirius. And they want him alive.”

James looked alarmed, “What?” he asked.

Lily pressed her fingers into her eyes for a moment, trying to relieve the stress and grief that had gathered behind them. 

“They must suspect your connection to us…” she said quietly to Sirius.

“They can’t know the whole of it, though,” Sirius assured her, but didn’t deny what Mad-Eye was saying. “And even if they do somehow capture me I would never tell…”

“We know that,” said James swiftly and forcefully.

“But we’re not going to allow him to be captured,” Mad-Eye grunted, “They’ll be watching you, hunting you. So we’ll have men with you for everything you do and everywhere you go.”

“Can I still shit by myself?” Sirius sneered.

“You have to be _vigilant_ , Sirius. Be conscious of _everything_ you do. They’ll know your every move,” Mad-Eye barked, ignoring the comment. “I figured you’d prefer this over going into hiding.”

Sirius crossed his arms in response and looked away but didn’t argue. Mad-Eye was right about this one.

“And we can use their distraction against them,” Edgar suggested. “They’ll be focused on Sirius and not the rest of us.”

Lily had been quiet for a while, then finally, she spoke, “I agree with Moody that we shouldn't grow too suspicious of one another, but I think Sirius’ point is worth considering...if it _was_ a secret mission,” she began, then gestured between James and herself, “I mean we didn't even know about it...how do you think it might have gotten leaked?”

“Thank you!” Sirius said with exasperation.

Mad-Eye turned to Lily and listened. It was far easier to agree with her on this matter than with Sirius.

“You’re right, Lily,” Mad-Eye finally said, nodding. Sirius glared at him, affronted.

“We’ll have to sit down in private with Dumbledore and find out exactly who knew about the mission. But this must be kept quiet! We’re struggling enough without causing dissension in the ranks.”

He turned and addressed the table. “Agreed?” he asked.

“Yes,” said Lily.

“Agreed,” James echoed.

Marlene and Edgar were both on the verge of passing out but also mumbled their agreement. Marlene didn't bother to remove her face from her hands. Even Sirius looked like he was teetering on the edge of consciousness. It had been nearly two days now since any of them had any sleep.

“Agreed,” he stated firmly in turn.

~~*~~


	3. November, 1980

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His mother’s death was probably the worst of it, but not all of it. Remus _loathed_ his Order assignment of spying on the werewolves. He understood that it had its value, but it required an immense amount of sacrifice on Remus’ part; he had to face his worst nightmare, Fenrir Greyback, on a semi-regular basis.

Marlene stretched herself out on Kingsley’s couch--it was one of their more solid safehouses, since Kingsley was more adept with warding and duelling in general, being an auror and all. She wasn’t yet fully recovered from their disastrous showdown with the Death Eaters, and Marlene was still mourning Fabian and Gideon, but none of that was a valid excuse to get out of training with Mad-Eye. Marlene wished _Kingsley_ could train them--not only was she used to Kingsley’s style of coaching from playing on the Gryffindor team together, but he was infinitely saner than Mad-Eye. Marlene suspected that was _why_ Mad-Eye took the helm with the younger Order members, though; Kingsley would go too easy on them, “easy” being defined here as simply acting like a normal human being, of course, and not a hell-beast war lord like Mad-Eye.

Although this was her break time, it was hard to put her mind at ease even knowing her body was at rest. Her thoughts kept turning back to Fabian and Gideon, and what Sirius and Lily had said; someone must have _known_. It was difficult for Marlene to contemplate who may have betrayed them; she was friends with nearly everyone in the Order, and she really couldn’t fathom who may be a turncoat. 

With a sigh, Marlene picked up a propaganda pamphlet that Lily had written which they needed to review. More Order work probably wasn’t the _best_ thing to do on her break, but it gave Marlene something to focus on to take her mind off other problems that she really didn’t want to think about right now.

At that moment, the front door creaked open and Sirius could be heard swearing as he closed it against the wind. He strode into the room looking chilled and irritated, huddling his arms against his body for warmth. His hair was humorously sticking up in different directions from the wind and the pockets of his leather jacket rather conspicuously appeared to be filled with two large bottles.

Sirius grinned deviously when he lay eyes on Marlene.

“Come on, get up. I’ve got something for you,” he instructed, taking her wrist and beginning to drag her from the couch.

Marlene let out a groan as Sirius attempted to move her, but secretly, she was happy to see him. Marlene always liked to see Sirius; he _was_ rather easy on the eyes after all...but after all this _take him alive_ business, Marlene was happier than usual to set eyes on a healthy, not-abducted-by-Death-Eaters Sirius.

“I’m still sore from training with our fearless, Spartan leader, Mad-Eye, and now you want to move me?” she complained, but rose when he took her wrist and pulled anyway.

“That’s exactly why we’re leaving. If he comes back in and barks _CONSTANT VIGILANCE_ at me one more time, I’ll start throwing furniture,” Sirius snorted. “Get your coat,” he added, informing that they were going outside.

Marlene shuddered, “Please don’t say it, you’re going to give me flashbacks.”

Sirius laughed in response before grabbing her arm and steering her towards the doorway.

Once outside, he led her through the small, deserted village by the sea, keeping his hands deep in his jean pockets against the cold. They chatted happily until they arrived at the shore. It was a fairly small beach and was completely vacant. Sirius and Marlene were the only visible forms of life aside from the seagulls occasionally diving through the air. Sirius took a seat on the cool sand close to Marlene and unzipped his jacket pockets, revealing two bottles of ale. He flashed Marlene a grin and held out one of the bottle for her.

“Do you know how hard it was to find alcohol in this sodding fishing town? I dunno how Kingsley survives here--I wouldn’t.”

Marlene grinned and eagerly took the bottle--this was _exactly_ what she needed right now. She took a swing of it, then considered the desolate, yet strangely beautiful landscape. It wasn’t exactly _her_ cup of tea either, but it was sort of pretty.

“Yeah, you’d think he like...doesn’t enjoy people or civilization and wanted to get the hell away from everyone.” Sometimes, Marlene couldn’t really blame Kingsley for that. The Death Eaters did feel awfully remote in a place like this, which was another reason it made a good safe house. Her mind began to wander to Lily and James, and as it often did, it was as though something blocked her from even thinking the name of the town or what it was like. That was always a strange feeling, but Marlene knew it was for the best.

“Well, I can definitely relate to that today. Getting us up at _five in the morning_ to practice _disarming_ all bloody day,” Sirius scoffed, rolling his eyes. He used his bottle opener, which was never far from his person to pop off the bottle cap. And took a long drink.

“The Death Eaters certainly didn’t seem all too interested in _disarming_ us…” Sirius grumbled, his features hardening as he stared out at the sounding sea. He hadn't really talked about the moor attack to anyone, not even James. But Marlene and been right there with him.

“No, they don’t,” Marlene said with a sigh. “The problem is the worst we can do are blasting curses and things like that--the worst _they_ can do is the killing curse. It’s...a huge advantage,” she admitted. 

Marlene cast a furtive glance over at Sirius, then turned back to the seascape--even knowing she lived with this reality everyday, that night made her realize with great poignancy for the first time how easy it would be to lose him. It had evoked an indescribable sort of feeling that she wasn’t sure she fully understood herself.

“It was nice to see Lily and James and Harry, though,” said Marlene in an attempt to change the topic. “Even if it wasn’t under the best circumstances.”

Sirius turned and looked at Marlene, his face cracking into a sincere smile. “It was. That little bugger’s getting big, isn’t he? He looks just like James. He’ll end up on the Gryffindor Quidditch team just like the two of you. I'd put gold on that.” His eye lingered on her for a moment, noticing how well her pretty blue eyes matched the sea.

“I’m going to see them next week,” he began, using his attempt to push his wind-blown hair back out of his face as a moment to hesitate before continuing, “...I could take you with me,” he asked gingerly, forcing himself to look at her in the eye as his heartbeat picked up speed. Sirius tried to make it sound like a friendly invitation, but really he knew that their training at Kingsley’s safe house would end after tonight. And after that he wasn’t quite sure when he would see Marlene next.

Sirius had come to very much enjoy Marlene’s company. They had become nearly inseparable while they lived together during the two month Windermere mission and seemed particularly drawn together these past few weeks after the battle. And since his dueling-partner and best friend had to go into hiding, Sirius found himself far less lonely when she was near him.

Not to mention, his attraction to her was undeniable. Bordering on intolerable. He had always thought she was very pretty but now he constantly found himself thinking of her. And it was only getting worse.

Marlene observed Sirius curiously, though she kept her face trained to a neutral expression. It wasn’t anything in his voice that struck her, but rather, that beat of hesitation and the small amount of vulnerability it implied. Mary would have thought it utterly normal for Sirius to invite her to James and Lily’s, but that hesitation--Sirius didn’t hesitate, so she wondered what it meant.

Then again, maybe she was reading too much into it. Maybe he was just nervous about having people over the house when it wasn’t strictly necessary, and yet...Marlene didn’t quite buy either of those rationales.

Marlene smiled, “I’d really like that.”

Sirius smiled a bit in response and tilted his bottle back, finishing off the last bit of ale.

“I suppose we should be getting back to vigilantly disarming Pete and Mary,” he sneered. 

“Try to give Pete half a chance, will you?” she teased.

Sirius flashed her a smirk in response, “I’ll do my best.”

He looked out at the sea once more before he stood up. Then he put his hand out for Marlene to help her up.

Marlene finished off her own bottle, then took Sirius’ hand and stood. She was surprised to feel a small...spark of something on her skin when they touched, which triggered a skip in her heat beat. Marlene attempted to ignore it, seeing as it was _utterly ridiculous_. 

It may have just been static cling, after all.

~~*~~

After one of the Order’s safe houses in Leeds had been curiously raided by the Death Eaters, Dumbledore convinced Aberforth to shut down the Hog’s head Inn and tavern to temporarily keep the members within the safe borders of Hogwarts. Aberforth originally reacted with iron-willed defiance, thinking he would lose too much of a profit from the lack of business. He was quite wrong, however. The Order members proved to be excellent patrons. If anything, he made _more_ gold.

Normally, Sirius would be thrilled to spend a night at an inn directly over his favorite tavern, but lately he had been more irascible and contentious than usual. A few days ago he had learned that Remus was one of the few who knew about the classified mission, and that he been working undercover with the werewolves while the mission was taking place.

Remus claimed that he had not been made privy to any knowledge of the attack, but Sirius couldn’t quite believe that. It had been months since Sirius had even heard from Remus. But even before he left for the werewolves, Sirius had become concerned with his behavior. He couldn’t quite describe it but Remus had felt like a stranger to him over the past year--which made him suspicious.

Sirius sat in a weathered armchair in a corner of the tavern completing a crossword puzzle with a pint of Hogs Head brew at the ready. It certainly wasn’t typical of him to isolate himself with many of his fellow Order members present, particularly Marlene, but he was in one of his moods. And since he and Remus had been assigned to share a room, he wasn’t interested in hiding out there. 

Occasionally, he would break his concentration from the puzzle to scoff at Dedalus Diggle and Elphias Doge’s failing attempt at Wizards Chess.

“I….ah...erm… Knight to D...10?” Elphia’s shouted at the board with uncertainty and then stared at it, waiting. But nothing happened.

“Merlin’s beard! This sodding board’s gone all wonky! Has been acting up all game!” Dedalus burst, exasperated.

“You can’t send your knight to D10 because there is no bloody D10 square on the board,” Sirius kindly informed them without looking up from his three-day-old newspaper.

The two men counted the squares before beginning to laugh. 

“Ah! The boy is right, Diggle!” Elphias chuckled.

“Indeed he is, Doge!” Dedalus chortled in return.

“Fucking hell,” Sirius grumbled, shaking his head in astonishment before guzzling down half his pint.

~~*~~

Remus laid in bed, flat on his back, in the room he shared with Sirius, staring up at the ceiling. He’d stayed like this, immoveable, for a good half hour or more--frankly, Remus had lost track of the time entirely.

He was, in a word, depressed. Remus was in no way willing to admit it, but on some level, he was aware that all the symptoms seemed to be leaning in that direction; he also had several good reasons to be depressed. Remus’ mother had passed away unexpectedly a few months ago of a sudden illness, an undiagnosed autoimmune disease that she’d apparently had for a long while, with no one being the wiser. Remus knew it was irrational, but he couldn’t help but feel like he’d jinxed her by telling everyone that she had cancer for so many years. He felt guilty, too, that he didn’t have much time to spend with his father, who surely felt just as lonely and despondent as Remus did. He was also _afraid_ to spend too much time with his father, lest a Death Eater target him.

His mother’s death was probably the worst of it, but not all of it. Remus _loathed_ his Order assignment of spying on the werewolves. He understood that it had its value, but it required an immense amount of sacrifice on Remus’ part; he had to face his worst nightmare, Fenrir Greyback, on a semi-regular basis. Remus had to pretend to _respect_ him--and he wasn’t very good at it, which made this all quite dangerous and futile, since Remus wasn’t any better at blending in with the other werewolves, either. He was the only one among them to be Hogwarts educated, and not only did it make him stand out, but they all resented him for it. They also didn’t trust him, they only barely tolerated his presence in their pack, and they weren’t willing to share any truly valuable information with him. Remus was usually just about as surprised by their plans as anyone, even when he found himself in the midst of them. Which also meant he was failing Dumbledore, and that made him feel miserable as well.

Although the “pack” may have resented him for his education, it hadn’t actually gotten him any further in life, which was the third thing that had been weighing on him. Being a registered werewolf barred him from virtually all professions that relied on Ministry records to conduct background checks; so, basically, that was just about every job. Even _Peter_ had a better job than Remus, and unlike James and Sirius, Remus couldn’t afford to be a full-time Order member and not work; his parents had been thoroughly middle-class, they’d never really had a lot of money, and his mother’s medical bills had put a considerable strain on his father’s finances, especially now that he was retired and lived off a Ministry pension. So Remus had a shitty job at the Leaky Cauldron that he’d probably be fired from by the end of the month due to his excessive absenteeism for both Order-related and full moon-related business.

There was also the whole matter of Harry being targeted by Voldemort, and the fact that Remus had been blatantly excluded from the plans to protect them. James sounded nearly desperate in his letters to convince Remus that he had nothing but the utmost faith in him, and Remus always made a point of writing back and sounding more cheerful than he felt for James’ sake, who didn’t need another thing to worry about. But Sirius...Remus knew that Sirius was suspicious of him, and it hurt. Remus was a spy _for the Order_ , and he wasn’t even a very good one, so he couldn’t fathom what reason Sirius had for suspecting him. Then again, maybe it _was_ the fact that he wasn’t very good and that the pack didn’t trust him with anything valuable enough to put a stop to them that was the problem. He appeared compliant rather than incompetent. Still, Remus would have thought Sirius knew him better.

These thoughts and worries looped through Remus’ brain like a broken record as he lay there and stewed. It was all more than enough to consume him, and sometimes, Remus felt like just _letting it_ , because that seemed easier than trying so hard and getting so little out of it. 

After a while, though, Remus didn’t didn’t think he could stand being in this room any longer, so he got up and descended to the tavern below. He scanned the room until his eyes fell on Sirius. Remus considered ignoring him; considered going back upstairs or for a walk, because he just didn’t think he could take anymore. He felt badly enough about himself without Sirius’ help, and yet--Remus was lonely, most of all, and this _was_ his friend...at least he thought so.

Summoning all his courage, Remus crossed over to where Sirius sat.

“Hey,” he greeted.

Sirius’ eyes flicked up from the puzzle and met Remus with a stony stare.

“Don’t poke the tiger, Remus, my boy,” Dedalus warned. “This one’s about to pounce!”

Sirius ignored him, continuing to stare at Remus. “Remus,” he replied curtly in response before returning to his puzzle.

“Did you need something?” he asked coarsely without looking up.

Did he need something? Well. He needed his mother back, a job, to no longer be a werewolf or have to see Greyback again, and his friends. Other than that…

“No, I just--” Remus began, but hesitated. He’d never had to justify himself for wanting to spend time with Sirius. Their relationship had always felt so natural in the past, the acceptance immediate--now, it felt strained, forced, and losing that easy acceptance hurt the most.

He bit his lip.

“I just thought we could...spend time together,” Remus mumbled.

Sirius put down his quill and newspaper and looked up at Remus with a dark look flashing in his eye.

“Sure,” he said simply. “Would you rather skip down Hogsmeade, reliving our happy childhood memories, or would you like to share with me for the eight hundred time how not a single werewolf in your entire pack mentioned heading to that moor?” His unfriendly look had very quickly become a hateful glare.

If possible, Remus appeared even more miserable. “And I _told_ you, they don’t--they don’t _tell_ me anything,” he began. “They only even let me hang around because Grey--” Remus stumbled, cleared his throat, and continued, “Because _Greyback_ makes them, and he only does it, because he thinks it’s funny, seeing as how he...how he…” Remus swallowed again. 

“Anyway. I’m a shitty spy, and I _regret_ it, but they don’t exactly--” a strained, unhinged sort of laugh escaped him. “I can’t exactly go to Moody for training for this! I have to figure it out all by myself, and I don’t understand these people any better than any of you!” he explained. “But I am _not_ a traitor,” Remus hissed through gritted teeth. “ _Why_ would I betray the Order?” Remus asked, his voice low now and gaze intense. “They think werewolves are even lower than muggleborns, what do I stand to gain? And do you _really_ think I’m dumb enough to believe their bullshit about rewarding us? Please. They’ll drop the werewolves in a second, even Greyback knows that, he just likes causing chaos.”

Sirius jumped up out of his seat to meet Remus. He looked at him with utter contempt, the way he would look at Severus Snape while at Hogwarts, the way he would look at a Death Eater now.

“Well, you’re either a traitor or a fucking failure then! I don’t want to hear _your_ bullshit excuses anymore. You knew about the mission _and_ you were right there with the werewolves when they attacked us. Gideon and Fabian are dead because _you_ failed us!”

All of the Order members who were relaxing in the tavern had stopped whatever they were doing to watch Sirius and Remus. Sturgis Podmore was actually gaping in shock.

“I don’t want to spend time with you. I don’t want you anywhere fucking _near_ me!” Sirius spat bitingly almost with disgust. 

Remus was frozen, hurt, gaping at Sirius as well.

“Sirius!” Sturgis spoke up finally, striding over to them. “It wasn’t the werewolves that killed Gideon and Fabian, it was the Death Eaters!” he insisted. “And not all those werewolves are Death Eaters, that’s just Greyback. Some of them are muggleborns, too, they’d never make the cut. You were in the wilderness--werewolves _go_ to the wilderness to transform, for all anyone knows, including Remus, it was a coincidence,” he said.

“We need to stay united, boys, it won’t do to have unfounded infighting,” he said, then gave Sirius a pointed look. “And if the Prewetts’ deaths should have taught you anything, it’s that you never know when your day will come--or your _friend’s_ day, so you should be careful how you treat people.”

Dorcas nodded in agreement, watching the display from a nearby armchair. She glowered at Sirius, utterly fearless, “James would _hate_ this, and he’d tell you to shut your fucking mouth if he was here, so let me do it for him; _shut the fuck up, Sirius_.”

But not everyone seemed so convinced of Remus’ innocence, nor did they jump to his defense.

Sirius looked from Sturgis to Dorcas stormily, but didn’t retaliate. This was about Remus. He wasn’t interested in turning on his entire Order.

“Alright then, I’ll _shut the fuck up_. But the moor attack and the raiding of our safe houses and whatever else is going on that we don’t know about yet is all happening for a reason.”

He turned back to Remus, eyeing him with loathing once more. 

“They may not all see it yet, but they will.”

With that, Sirius strode across the tavern towards the staircase to the inn. On his way, he passed a quivering Peter who cowered into his chair as Sirius went by. Everyone either didn’t notice him or just assumed he was upset over seeing his two friends fighting. When Sirius passed without even acknowledging him, Peter let out a silent sigh of relief.

Dorcas glared at Sirius until he was gone; her expression softened when it landed on Remus, who was still just standing there, stunned and shaken.

She crossed over to Remus and hugged him tightly. Dorcas heard a barely audible whimper.

“Don't listen to him. He's paranoid and angry and it's making him crazy, but it's no excuse for all that shit he said,” said Dorcas. “But he's not your only friend. Come to me. Come to Peter. Forget him until he gets his head on straight and apologizes to you.”

Remus nodded against her shoulder, then Dorcas let him go. 

“Let’s get out of here, go for a walk,” she said.

“Oi, Peter!” Dorcas called as they passed him. “You're sleeping with that thing tonight, Remus needs a break,” she said and flashed him a look that plainly said _you should have said something_. Peter groaned in protest.

Once they were outside, Dorcas and Remus walked for a while until Remus finally asked.

“Does _everyone_ think this about me?”

“Not unless me and Sturgis and James and Lily and _Dumbledore_ aren't included in everyone.”

Remus nodded, “What about Marlene?” he asked.

Dorcas sighed, “I don't know. I think Sirius has been corrupting her. They've been spending a lot of time together lately,” she explained, then paused. “What about Peter?”

Remus cracked a shadow of a smile, “Nah, he listens to whatever James says.”

“See? It's not everyone. It's just that when Sirius runs his mouth, he sounds like he's about ten people instead of just one.”

Remus gave a hollow little laugh, but it was a laugh at least.

“I didn't _do_ that shit he said.”

“I know,” said Dorcas. “You know. James and Lily know. Just let it go, he has to see reason for himself, there's nothing you can do.”

~~*~~

After spending some time in solitude and taking a shower, Sirius had regulated his anger back to his baseline level--which was still higher than most, but still his normal, nonetheless.

Other than thinking about Marlene without clothing on, showering gave him time to reflect on his incident with Remus; which brought him to the conclusion that he still suspected Remus and regretted nothing, but that he possibly may have overdone it a bit. Mad-Eye _did_ warn him to keep his treason theories to himself until they had proof. Now he understood why. In retrospect, he could see how his fervent broadcasting may have made him appear slightly mad.

Sirius left the bathroom and strolled down the inn corridor back towards his room as if we were in his own flat--wearing only black boxers. His floppy, still-drying hair dripped a few beads of water down his back. His eyes lingered on the door to Marlene and Mary’s room as he passed it. Knowing how close her room was to his had been maddening. Like a cruel tease on repeat. Sirius paused there for a moment, tempted. He could just knock.

But instead he continued on. He made it to the door of his own room and sighed with disappointment as he turned the knob. It's true, he could’ve just knocked on her door. But what would he say, really? _'I want you'_ only goes over well if the other person feels the same. He thought he was rather good at picking up on this sort of thing with women, but Marlene muddied everything for Sirius. For all he knew he was just another friend/Order member to Marlene--though Sirius didn't really quite believe that.

“Well, well, if it isn’t the class bully,” Marlene remarked as she spotted Sirius in the hall. “Merlin’s tits are we _all_ missing James these days, more than usual. Is there anyone else you listen to?” she asked him, but there was a teasing smile on her lips.

Sirius’ heart lunged when he heard her, his face breaking into a smile. He stopped turning the knob, and instead leaned against the door to his room with his arms crossed against his bare chest; peering at her with his eyes flashing dangerously. Just looking at her raised his body temperature.

“Dunno,” he said, his lip curling into a smirk as he mock-shrugged. “Perhaps you should tell me to do something. We’ll see what happens.”

Bit of a daring flirt, but he knew she could handle it.

Marlene arched an eyebrow-- _what an opportunity_. Should she be bold, or should she play it safe?

“Alright,” said Marlene, after only a moment of consideration. “How about you kiss me?” she suggested. 

Sirius’ eyes grew wide, suddenly choking on his own saliva. 

He didn’t quite expect her to handle it like _that_. 

_“Wh-what?...”_ he stammered, at a loss for words possibly for the first time in his life. 

“Huh,” Marlene remarked, tossing her head to the side. “I thought you would have been a lot smoother than that.” 

Sirius stared at her in bewilderment for several moments with his heart pounding. Surely, she must be joking? She didn’t really look like she was, though…Something in the way the candlelight lit her pretty face--something about being alone with her so late at night in this inn made Sirius no longer care whether she was kidding or not. 

And with her standing before him now, looking at him like _that_ \--well, he couldn’t remember ever wanting anything so badly. And hell, how many times had he thought about this? 

His shock gave way to desire. 

Suddenly, he stepped in closer to her than he had ever been before, and pulled her in towards him so that their lips were now dangerously close. He gripped her blonde hair and stared into her eyes fearlessly--his chest rising and falling heavily. 

“You mean something like this?” 

“That’s more like it,” Marlene agreed; then she closed the space between them and kissed Sirius full-on. 

Sirius kissed her back, hard and deeply. There was a pure relief in it. Like he’d been starving until now. He pulled away and stared at her for a moment, her eyes met his searchingly. Then they grabbed each other and he slammed them back into the wall next to the door of his room. Holding her tightly against his chest, he ran his hands freely and unafraid from her hair then down her back--Breaking his lips from hers only momentarily to kiss her neck. 

Marlene returned the intensity, not missing a beat; she continued to snog him as she ran her fingers through his soft, immaculate hair-- _Merlin_ , how long had she wanted to touch his hair for? She ran her fingers straight through his hair, then down his neck, eventually resting her hands on his waist as she pulled him closer. All the while, Marlene barely came up for air. 

She couldn’t honestly say how long they continued like this before a voice suddenly pulled her out of it. 

“Oh!” squeaked Peter. “Oh...Dorcas told me I had to sleep here tonight,” he explained. “Sorry, I’ll just--I’ll go somewhere else.” 

Marlene rolled her eyes, still entangled with Sirius. “You could have done that _without_ announcing yourself,” she pointed out. 

“Oh, errrmm...I guess you’re right,” Peter admitted. 

Sirius needed a moment to even realize what had stopped them. Then he turned and saw Peter. He shot him the most deadly scathing glower that he could possibly muster. 

_“Get.The.Bloody.Fuck.Out.”_

Peter squeaked, and promptly ran away. 

Marlene smirked. 

“Am I your new roommate?” she asked. 

Sirius turned back to her, his features instantly softening. 

“You’re in luck. Turns out there’s a vacancy.” He returned her smirk. 

Without wasting another second, he grabbed her, pulling her back into a furious kiss. Then, breathing heavily, he suddenly lifted her up and took her to the door with her legs wrapped around his waist--nearly burning a fever at this point. He blindly searched for the door knob with one hand, then turned it and pushed the door open. 

Still kissing her wildly, he took her inside the room and slammed the door closed behind them. 

~~*~~


	4. December, 1980: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James, honestly, had been hoping that this would have just gone away, and Sirius would have come to his senses. He probably should have known better.
> 
> “Sirius…” James began gently, but Lily cut him off.
> 
> “We're not convinced, and we’re not going to punish him over your unsubstantiated claims. This is Remus Lupin’s first Christmas without his mother, in case you forgot, and if his friends don't help him through that, who do you think is going to?” she asked. “He was there for us when we lost our parents.”

Godric’s Hollow was even quainter than normal around the holidays--which was saying something. Cheerful Christmas lights and decorations were strewn across the street posts and on the cozy brick houses that lined the streets. The picturesque quality of the town was in large part what compelled James to choose this location for the Fidelius Charm. He’d grown up about an hour from Godric’s Hollow, and James had often visited the village with his parents to pursue the shops and go out to eat, as it was closer to where they lived than Hogsmeade. James had always loved it here, and in a time of great danger and uncertainty, Godric’s Hollow embodied safety and comfort in his mind. Lily had quickly fallen in love with it as well, and Harry--well, James was never totally sure how well Harry could even see at this point in his development, especially if he wound up inheriting James’ eyesight, but he figured Harry probably liked it, too. As long as he was being fed, Harry was content just about anywhere.

Which had been the mission for today--food. James walked through the snow-covered streets with several grocery bags that he’d shrunk down to one, manageable load--and a coffee for Lily. They were determined that Harry’s first Christmas was a proper one with friends and family, and so the two of them had to cook for more than just their usual dinner for two. Lily had given James a strict list--she’d taught him how to cook long ago so that they could share the burden together, but Lily still didn’t trust James to go shopping on his own without written commands. He always got distracted and ended up buying a bunch of frivolous things that could never amount to a cohesive, edible recipe. Well aware that this dinner was more important than most, James had followed Lily’s list to a T.

As he approached the house, James spotted Sirius on the front porch and grinned. He’d mentioned earlier that he would be coming over; James had meant to beat him back, but he’d barely made it out of the grocery store alive among all the frenzied, deranged shoppers.

“Here, you can take this,” James told him and unceremoniously dumped the single grocery bag in Sirius’ arms--it was decidedly heavier than it appeared. “I have to get my wand, see,” James explained as he slipped it out of his coat pocket--he _probably_ could have juggled the bag and the wand if he tried, but James was bloody well tired of carrying that thing. He unlocked the wards and door with several complex swishes and rotations of his wand.

Sirius had nearly dropped his precious Walkman out of surprise from the weight of the bag when it had been thrown on him. Normally, he would respond with a swear or an acidic quip, but he had been in an unusually good mood for the past few weeks--surely from all the Christmas spirit. So instead he pulled his headphones down to his neck and dutifully took the bag in silence, following James through the door.

“Thanks for waiting outside,” said James, reluctantly taking the bag back from Sirius, then dumping it on the kitchen table as they made their way in. “Lily would go ballistic if you woke Harry from his nap,” whispered James. “And I might’ve too, honestly, keeping that child to a Spartan-like military schedule is the only hope we have until sleeping until 5 A.M.”

“My pleasure. I am so very fond of freezing my balls off, as it were," Sirius replied, cocking his brow at James as he dumped his leather jacket carelessly onto the back of a chair. Shortly afterwards it slid from the chair to the floor. "5 A.M. That’s about the time Mad-Eye lets me sleep until when he's feeling generous," he reflected, rather unpleasantly. "If you consider sleeping until 5 A.M a luxury then I have no envy for you, mate,” Sirius explained as he raided James' pantry.

“Oh, it’s very much a luxury,” said James. “Seeing as Harry often likes to start wailing around 3 A.M. for no immediately discernible reason; did he soil himself? Does he have gas? Is he hungry? Is he having an existential crisis over being a real human being now? All of this needs to be ascertained while half-asleep, in the dim hope of getting him back to sleep,” James explained.

“Hmm...Sounds like a typical night for Pete,” Sirius said thoughtfully with amusement.

“I’m not seeing any ale in here,” he said accusatorily, looking back at James from the pantry.

James grinned, “In the basement,” he said and winked. “You couldn’t really think we’d forget _that_. Lily likes to drink almost as much as you do now that she can after going nine months without...although, I think she got herself a lot of wine.”

Sirius flopped into a seat at the kitchen table where he helped himself to a bag of Black Cat Brand potato chips.

“What a relief," he smirked. "I feared you lot were growing soft in your cheery little Christmas village. Thought I might find you both caroling from door to door like some sort of Dickens cult,” he teased, glancing out the kitchen window where the residents and visitors of Godric’s Hollow could be seen merrily traipsing through the gently falling snow. Parents and children were ringing bells and sipping cider with bonhomie. He shook his head in horror as he watched.

James laughed, “Nah, neither of us know how to sing,” he said. “Besides, it might wake Harry, and our main goal in life is to keep him well rested,” James continued. “Pretty sure if carolers came ringing our bell at night time, Lily would slam the door in their face. _She_ hasn't lost her rough edge.”

Sirius turned back to James, lounging one arm over the back of his chair. His face broke into a wide, endearing smile. These moments with James were becoming more and more infrequent.

“It’s good to see you, mate."

“It’s good to see you too,” James grinned as Lily entered.

“What were you saying about me?” she demanded.

“Ah, just that you haven't lost your rugged charm, my love.”

Lily cast James a wry smile, then hugged Sirius. “Hey,” she greeted.

Sirius lazily returned her hug without getting up and attempted to greet her with a mouthful of chips. He intended to say “Lils”, but what came out sounded more like, “fiffz." He figured he got the point across. After swallowing he flashed her a grin, 

“I refrained from barreling through the front door as a rabid dog. It was not an easy decision. Thought you should know.” he informed her.

“That would have been your funeral, not mine,” Lily told him, arching an eyebrow.

Sirius smirked then turned to the ten ton grocery bag and gestured his head towards it, “What’s with all this anyway?” he asked, “Hibernating for winter?”

“I wish--we could all use the sleep” said James. “This is for _you_ , actually. You and a few other people. We want to have a Christmas party the day of, you know, to give Harry a festive holiday that he won’t remember and will probably sleep, cry, and-or poop and vomit through, but one day, we can show him the pictures and say, oh, your first Christmas, _see all the things we did for you_?”

“And since you’re our human house key, we’ll need to go over the list,” Lily added.

“Ah, well, I can't in good conscience deny Lily the pleasure of cooking for me. So i’m in,” Sirius grinned as he brushed crumbs off of his _Joy Division_ T Shirt. “Alright then, give me the list. Let’s see if I approve or not.”

“First of all, James is cooking too,” Lily pointed out, then turned and gave James a look which clearly said, _you are_. 

James threw his hands up in surrender. 

“Second, I’m not asking for approval,” she told him. “It’s the usual suspects, anyway,” Lily continued. “Mary, Marlene, Dorcas, Remus, and Peter,” she said, then thought for a moment. “That’s everyone, yeah?” she asked, looking back over at James.

In Sirius' opinion, Lily had done such an exceptional job of glossing through that list that it took a moment for his jovial expression to harden. He stared at Lily before flicking his eyes to James.

“Think so,” said James. “Just don’t tell any of the old farts we didn’t invite them,” James added. “Love them, but I don’t want to get a lecture from Moody on Christmas about not covering the whole house up in bubble wrap to better protect the savior of the wizarding world from sticking something up his nose.”

Lily wrinkled her nose, more at the savior comment--it was all too ridiculous for her to wrap her mind around. Surely, Voldemort would be long dead before Harry was grown. She had to believe so, anyway.

Meanwhile, Sirius continued to regard both of them with a stony countenance while they tried to playfully brush past the topic of the list altogether. He had to admit, it almost worked.

But then he cleared his throat.

“I’ve been a bit off lately, having been traveling and moving about for the past several months--I’ll actually be sleeping in my _own_ bed tonight. Almost can’t remember what my flat looks like it’s been so long. So you’ll have to excuse my weathered mind because I’m _quite_ sure I just heard the name _Remus Lupin_ on your list," he glowered. "Do correct me.” 

James, honestly, had been hoping that this would have just gone away, and Sirius would have come to his senses. He probably should have known better.

“Sirius…” James began gently, but Lily cut him off.

“We're not convinced, and we’re not going to punish him over your unsubstantiated claims. This is _Remus Lupin’s_ first Christmas without his mother, in case you forgot, and if his friends don't help him through that, who do you think is going to?” she asked. “He was there for us when we lost our parents.” 

James’ face twisted into a look of grief as he considered how _their_ parents should have been here for Harry's first Christmas, for Harry in general.

Sirius scowled at the both of them while he listened to Lily. He could feel the tirade building up like a massive wave. Instead of unleashing it, he sighed loudly and ran his hands through his hair, gripping it with frustration. After a few moments of burying his face in his palms, he brought his hands back to the table and stared at them while he considered what Lily had said. The Hog’s Head incident with Remus demonstrated the consequences of trying to force his beliefs on other people. He really didn’t want to relive that again just yet.

“Your house. Your decision,” he said finally with bitterness, looking at Lily and then James. “But I won’t write the address down for him, I will bring him myself. And I won’t be speaking to him.”

“That’s right,” Lily agreed, her tone firm and absolute. “And how you conduct yourself and _treat people_ ,” she paused and gave him a pointed look, “is your business,” Lily concluded.

James opened his mouth and closed it again. He was frowning, brow furrowed.

“I can’t-- _won’t_ mistrust my friends. You’re all we have,” he said, finally. “We _know_ Remus--he wouldn’t do this. What’s he going to get out of betraying the Order? We’re his best hope for a better life, not the Death Eaters. They don’t even think he’s _human_ ,” James pointed out. “So why are you so sure he’s leaking information? He’s not in direct contact with the Death Eaters, only Greyback, who’s…” James waved his hand uncertainly, “Kind of his _own_ thing, isn’t he? Greyback only even works with them when he feels like it.”

Sirius listened intently to James and then sat back rigidly in his chair with his arms crossed tensely. 

“I don’t have the answers to these questions,” he explained, emitting a sigh. “What I do know is that someone in the Order leaked the moor mission and the Leeds safe house. These are facts. I suspect Remus because he was on the very short list of people who knew about the moor and happened to be amongst the werewolves at that same time,” he explained, gripping the arms of his chair.

“I can’t corroborate my suspicions yet so I don’t expect you to just believe me. But every day I have to live with our Order members, and I have to deal with knowing that at least one of our own is working for Voldemort. So, yeah, I'm paranoid as fuck. I haven’t gone _mad_ \--not completely, anyway--I just don’t want to lose you,” he finished, suddenly frowning.

James and Lily both retreated into a tense silence as they contemplated their now fragile mortality. It was easy to forget about it all in Godric’s Hollow; one thing that James hadn't expected about fatherhood was how it narrowed the focus of your life to individual moments. It was difficult to think even a day ahead with the demands Harry placed on them; James had precious little time to dwell on the future, but Sirius brought their precarious situation to the surface.

“Well...we don't want to die, either,” James said finally, “And Harry--” he couldn't even finish the sentence--it was too horrible, too unnatural to contemplate. James pushed his glasses up and pressed his fingers into the tension gathering behind his eyes. With a sigh, James let his glasses fall askew back into the bridge of his nose. “I'm not saying you don't have legitimate concerns, I know you're heart is in the right place and you're just looking out for is, and...we’ve put a lot on you,” James admitted. Even Lily's expression softened at that. “We just want to see everyone, that's all.”

Sirius nodded as his stiff posture relaxed into his natural aristocratic lounge. He found some solace in being understood. Admittedly, he wasn’t always the best communicator. 

“I get it. And I’ll bring him. I’m still not happy about it,” he said, cocking his brow, “but I’ll do it for you.”

James smiled--admittedly, he still hated this tension among his friends, but he appreciated Sirius more than he could ever say, “Thank you.”

Lily smiled, too, “And, ultimately, the secret only lies in you, so none of them can spread it, anyway,” she reasoned, “And if there’s anyone we trust in this world, it’s you, Sirius.”

Along with Lily and James, Sirius’ face also broke into a sincere smile. “Well, I’m glad to hear it.” His smile then shifted into his natural grin, “Do tell Dorcas that. She thinks I’m a loon.”

“Well, she’s not _wrong_ ,” Lily said. “You are a loon, we just love you anyway.”


	5. December, 1980: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus had given up on trying to persuade Sirius, though. He knew he hadn’t done anything wrong, and one day, the real mole would be exposed--hopefully at a Ministry trial after this was all over--and Sirius would know, then, that he’d been wrong. Remus didn’t really know if he’d be able to forgive Sirius--he couldn’t help but feel that Sirius must have always thought a lot less of Remus than he’d imagined, to think that he’d ever be desperate enough to sell out his friends for an empty promise of power and wealth.

Remus’ street had been unusually peaceful on Christmas Day; void of screeching voices and blaring bases. It certainly wasn’t exactly the nicest block in the nicest neighborhood--some might have even referred to it as quite destitute--but that day it was rather lovely. The undisturbed snow lightly coated the sidewalks as large snow flurries floated to the ground.

This spirited peacefulness, however, did not last. Just then, the roaring sound of an engine could be heard from above, approaching at an unfathomably fast speed. A white Triumph motorcycle burned through the sky like a astroid breaking through the sound barrier, then descended sharply and hit the street hard--demolishing all the lovely snowy scenery in its path. Sirius slammed the breaks to such an abrupt halt that the screech could be heard in the next town over. The aroma of smoke from the chimneys was now replaced with burning rubber.

Sirius had stopped directly in front of a particularly shabby parchment-colored building that appeared to be crumbling by the minute. It has a tired, sagging look about it as if it had lost a few too many battles with mother nature. This was where Remus lived. As if Sirius' subtle entrance wasn’t enough, his appearance was pontifically juxtaposed with the rundown street. Everything about Sirius exuded wealth and privilege, from his tailored, sleek dark grey-blue sports jacket and matching grey pinstriped shirt to his wildly unnecessary designer sunglasses. 

Sirius sat up on the bike and emitted an exasperated sigh as he checked the time on his very expensive watch. He pulled his headphones down to his neck and glared up at Remus' window. This was probably the last place he wanted to be right now. And Remus' flat wasn't exactly nearby his own neighborhood--a prime estate borough of west London. Really, he’d much rather be picking up Marlene--though showing up together probably would have been a bit too obvious; he could only imagine the lecture from Lily if she found out what they'd been up to. And besides, he didn’t trust giving Remus access to Godric’s Hollow any other way. By bringing him there himself Remus wouldn’t be able to visit again unless accompanied by Sirius.

Remus had only recently gotten back from spending Christmas Eve and morning with his father. It had to be the worst Christmas he’d ever experienced; his mother’s absence hung thick in the air, both of them simultaneously trying not to dwell on it or cry too much, though there had definitely been some crying. He felt bad for having to leave him, but Remus wanted to see James and Lily and Harry, and he knew they desperately wanted to see him. They made a point of emphasizing this in virtually every letter they sent him, which indicated that they probably knew about what was going on between Sirius and himself. It made Remus feel slightly better that they, at least, didn’t suspect him of any subterfuge--but then again, James was one of the most trusting people he’d ever met. Trusting to a fault; as much as Sirius’ suspicion hurt and sometimes enraged Remus, he had to admit that _someone_ needed to push James towards caution; otherwise, he’d be totally blinded by his faith in others. 

The problem was, Remus _knew_ Sirius was on the wrong track, and if he was right, if there really was someone who’d turned on them, they were probably working right under Sirius’ nose as he focused all his attention on Remus. He wasn’t any wiser who it could be--Remus was too often away from the Order, trying to recruit other werewolves to their cause and _away_ from Voldemort’s, he really didn’t have that sort of insight on what his fellow Order members were up to.

Remus had given up on trying to persuade Sirius, though. He knew he hadn’t done anything wrong, and one day, the real mole would be exposed--hopefully at a Ministry trial after this was all over--and Sirius would know, then, that he’d been wrong. Remus didn’t really know if he’d be able to forgive Sirius--he couldn’t help but feel that Sirius must have always thought a lot less of Remus than he’d imagined, to think that he’d ever be desperate enough to sell out his friends for an empty promise of power and wealth. As bad as things were financially, being lonely had always been Remus’ worst fear, not being poor--having money would bring him no comfort or satisfaction if his friends were gone.

And so, when he heard Sirius causing a racket outside, Remus scooped up his little gift for Harry and reluctantly left his tiny flat. He had to push half his body weight into the front door to get it to open, since it was perpetually broken, no matter what magic anyone tried on it. Remus simply entered the sidecar that Sirius had unceremoniously kicked out for him.

“Thanks for coming,” Remus said shortly, not even turning in Sirius’ direction. He’d considered not saying anything at all, but it was too rude for Remus to manage. He _had_ come, even if he was sure James and Lily had to pull his teeth until he’d agreed. 

Remus may be been concerned with being rude, but Sirius wasn't. Sirius elected to ignore Remus entirely and instead pulled his headphones back over his ears. The music was so loud you could still hear every word of _'London Calling.'_ He then tied his bandana around the back of his head and adjusted it over his nose for protection from the wind before blasting them off into the wintery sky.

~~*~~

As expected, Sirius had not attempted to say a word to Remus for the entire length of the ride. He never turned to him nor made any acknowledging gesture, but his paranoia made him acutely focused on Remus’ presence. As if waiting for him to pull something.

They touched down in Godric’s Hollow with a similar drama as Remus' street, but the quaint little village had come to expect it by now. Sirius hopped off the bike before the smoke from his landing had cleared. He bent down to retrieve a gargantuan bag of gifts from the bike’s magically-engineered storage compartment under the seat and replaced it with his personal effects.

Standing in front of Lily and James’ extensive snow-covered brick home, he turned to Remus.

“You can only see it because I’ve brought you myself. You won’t even be able to think of it again once you leave,” he explained with a grimace, hitting Remus with his icy glower.

Remus met Sirius’ stare with a defiant look of his own. He wouldn't even dignify the implication that he'd betray James and Lily with a response. Who would he tell anyway? Despite whatever Sirius thought, he didn't even know any Death Eaters, and he wasn't about to tell Greyback anything, lest he do exactly to Harry what he'd done to Remus himself.

Sirius led the way up the snow-powdery steps to Lily and James' porch and rang the cheery doorbell.

James opened the door and grinned somewhat uncertainty at the two of them. “Happy Christmas!” he said. James hugged Sirius as he entered, and then Remus in turn. He lingered a bit with Remus, since it had been months since they'd actually seen one another.

Remus’ face twisted--after being treated with nothing but contempt and suspicion not just from Sirius, but the werewolves he was meant to be recruiting and some of the rest of the Order, James’ unconditional loyalty and love made him suddenly emotional. He would _never_ hurt James or Lily or their baby. You couldn't find better people anywhere.

“Remus,” Lily greeted fondly as James stepped back, and she kissed him on the cheek. Lily had Harry in her arms--her voice lifted lightly as she told him, “Say hello, Remus!” she told Harry. Talking was not in Harry's skill set yet, so he merely stared at Remus with those wide, green eyes, before twisting around in Lily's arms.

Without yet acknowledging Lily, Sirius bent over to his knees like a dog initiating play and grinned at Harry. Harry’s gigantic eyes lit up when he saw what Sirius was doing and began to squeal excitedly while pumping his chubby little legs. Sirius approached him slowly, then swiftly lifted him out of Lily’s arms and gave him a long raspberry on his belly. Harry screamed with laughter and kicked at Sirius playfully all the while.

Sirius beamed at a still-squealing Harry as he bounced him in his arms. “You can tell your mum and dad that thanks to your Godfather you’ll pass out and sleep through the night,” he said to Harry, who cooed in his arms.

“Oh, hey Lils. Happy Christmas,” Sirius said finally and flashed Lily a grin before kissing her cheek.

Lily smiled and hugged Sirius in turn, squishing Harry gently between them, “That’s pretty much the best Christmas present I can imagine, so you’ve really outdone yourself.” 

James embraced Sirius swiftly after, “Happy Christmas, Padfoot,” he said fondly, then pinched Harry’s chubby cheek. He looked between Sirius and Remus--his friends who were maybe not friends anymore. 

"Happy Christmas, Prongs,” Sirius returned his hug with his free arm and smiled broadly before dumping his bag of gifts into James’ arms. Payback.

“Everyone else is in the living room,” he told them, gesturing further into the house. Remus followed behind James.

As they entered the next room, surely enough, Peter, Dorcas, Marlene, and Mary were all there. The girls were all huddled around one another, talking and laughing over glasses of wine. Peter sat apart from them, looking pale and slightly ill.

“Alright, Peter?” Remus asked, sliding into the seat next to him.

Peter twitched involuntarily at Remus’ greeting and avoided his eyes, “Y--yes, fine, fine. H--happy Christmas.” he grumbled. Being at the Potter’s brought Peter overwhelming anxiety and dread, but knowing that his feelings could easily be interpreted as lack of trust in Remus slightly calmed him to some degree.

Remus quickly shut down at that response, interpreting it _exactly_ as if Peter didn’t trust him. He looked away and tried not to let it overtake his mood.

Sirius strode into the living room after Remus while rocking Harry in his arm, “Hello, ladies,” he announced himself to the room with a toothy grin as he slipped his free hand into his pocket. His eyes flashed as he exchanged a furtive look with Marlene. She returned his look with a swift wink.

Mary gave Sirius a wry smile, “‘lo, Sirius,” she replied. She followed Sirius and Marly’s secret exchange and had to refrain from exasperatedly snorting. There were only so many times that Marlene could stroll into their room at all hours of the night without Mary realizing what was going on. Unbeknownst to them, they had become a rather hot topic of gossip in the Order.

Sirius glanced towards Lily and James' record player, already judging their music selection. He then took a seat on the arm of the couch beside Dorcas and began to bounce Harry on his knee. 

“You can’t be cross with me today, Dorcas. It’s Christmas, after all,” Sirius said, smirking down at Dorcas, “Even mad men get to celebrate Christmas.”

“Right, Mars?” Sirius flashed Marlene a grin.

"You're beyond my help, mate," Marly replied with a sympathetic sigh, glancing at Dorcas.

“Telling me how to feel isn’t getting you off to a good start,” Dorcas pointed out with a raised brow as she stirred her wine around. “Besides, you’re cross with people on Christmas, why can’t I be?” 

Sirius just sighed exaggeratedly in response then lifted Harry to his face. “You’re at least happy to see me, aren’t you, Harry?” Harry just stared at him in response and reached to grab his nose; he then proceeded to drool all over himself. 

Mary frowned at this exchange. She agreed with Dorcas on this matter but was far less passionate about it. In at attempt to diffuse the tension, she instead scooted over to Remus. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him on the cheek.

“Happy Christmas, Remus! We’ve missed you so very much!”

Remus smiled, if a bit distractedly, and returned the hug. “I’ve missed you too,” he told her. 

Mary noticed Remus’ distracted look and frowned a bit, “Don’t let Ebenezer over there bother you,” Mary said, shooting Sirius a pointed look. “We’re _all_ happy you’re here.”

“He’s not,” Remus gave an infinitesimal nod towards Sirius with a wry smile. “But…” he trailed off and shrugged. “I’m trying not to get too worked up over things I can’t control,” Remus explained. “How are things at Saint Mungo’s?” he asked Mary, eager to change the subject.

Mary sighed with exasperation at the mention of Saint Mungo’s and threw her head back on the couch. “Urgh!” she groaned, and then began to speak rapidly and verbosely: “Between the Order and my Healer training it’s nearly impossible to live. But it’s definitely rewarding and I almost feel like I know what I’m doing now, but not entirely, of course. Really, it's all quite fascinating sometimes. I had this patient the other day...Or was it last week? Hmm...No matter. Anyway, I had a patient who said I look like Elizabeth Taylor. Can you imagine? She's three-quarters blind from a Cockatrice lick, you see. But still quite flattering all the same..."

If Hogwarts had taught Sirius anything it was that when Mary began to blabber, it was best for him to leave. He took his cue, handing Harry back to James and then heading into the kitchen to pour himself some wine. Peter followed in after him and stood behind him.

“H--how could you bring him here, Sirius. What were you thinking?” Peter had become concerned that Sirius and Remus may be repairing their relationship by Sirius agreeing to bring Remus. Peter couldn’t allow that to happen.

Sirius spun around so fast that some of his wine spilled to the floor.

“ _Shut the fuck up, Peter!_ ,” He hissed with alarm in a hushed tone. “I’ve ruined plenty of parties in my time but _this one_ will not be one of them! Half the people in that room already despise me," he scowled and the added: " _Wank stain._ ”

“You--you didn’t _tell_ him the secret though, did you?” Peter asked, secretly hoping that Sirius might reveal it to him. Truthfully, Peter didn’t want James and Lily and Harry to die. He loved them--it’s just that he knew the Order could never win. They were going to die. _He_ was going to die. Unless he did something about it, that is--and the Dark Lord was growing impatient.

Sirius glared at him, affronted. “I was under the impression that it's my bloody job to _not_ share that information. But that's just what I gathered from the title _Secret Keeper_. Are you trying to do my job for me?” he asked, raising his brow.

“N...no--I was just checking,” Peter mumbled. And this was exactly why Peter was of no real use to the Death Eaters. He was standing in James’ bloody house, and he still had no idea how to tell the Dark Lord where it was. Peter was getting anxious that he didn’t quite believe him. 

“What’s going on in here?” James asked, stepping into the kitchen to grab some more appetizers.

“Nothing!” Peter shrieked. James arched an eyebrow.

“Relax, Pete, I was just announcing myself.”

“Pete, get out.” Sirius barked simply and Peter scampered out, back into the safety of the living room--and away from Sirius. Once he was gone, Sirius fell into a chair at the kitchen table and took a long drink from his wine glass. 

“Such a bloody idiot…” he grumbled with astonishment as he massaged his temple in his palms.

James smiled sympathetically. “It’s nothing new,” he reasoned. “Want a little hotdog?” he offered. Much like an actual dog, it was important to keep feeding Sirius to keep his mood stable.

Sirius peered out at the food from his hands with peaked interest before swiftly snatching a hotdog off the plate.

“I should probably go,” he said while chewing, already on his second hotdog. “Your guests will have a far better time without me. Except Harry, obviously.” he was sniggering but there was some gloominess in his expression.

“ _I_ won’t have a better time without you,” said James. “Dorcas is miffed, yeah. Mary just feels bad for Remus. But me and Lily and Harry and Peter, and...Marlene it seems, we’re all on your side,” he promised. Remus, of course, would be on Sirius’ side, too, if Sirius would let him--but James didn’t push it.

Instead, he arched a brow. “Anything going on there with you and Marly, _by the way_?” he asked, suggestively.

Sirius nearly choked on the hotdog at James’ last question.

“...What makes you say that?” he asked into his wine glass, avoiding James as he took another long drink.

James shrugged, “I spent _a lot_ of time pining after Lily and adamantly denying it--perhaps you might remember,” he winked. “I know all the symptoms and warning signs.”

Sirius laughed and sat back in the chair comfortably, “Oh, I remember,” he said, shooting James a taunting smirk. “Yes, well, I haven’t been doodling her initials on everything I own like _some_. So I suppose my pathology isn’t _quite_ as severe,” he teased. 

“Yeah, but you're also not a fifteen-year-old experiencing real attraction for the first time, so I'd _hope_ we've all matured a bit since then,” James said. 

"Speak for yourself," Sirius sniggered. He then paused and looked into his glass thoughtfully as he considered James' question. He had been fighting to avoid this very topic even within himself for several weeks now. “But it is different with her. I’ll admit that.”

James smiled when Sirius admitted to it, at least somewhat. “Different. Hmm. So what are you going to do about it?”

“I haven’t got a bloody clue,” Sirius admitted with a laugh. “This is uncharted territory for me. My immediate plan is to get sozzled at your Christmas party and not think about any of it." 

“Well, I guess you’ll have to stick around for that,” James pointed out, then wiggled his eyebrows. “And then maybe one thing will lead to another…” 

Sirius was on the precipice of spewing out a snarky response to James' first comment when his second comment suddenly registered. “Keep it up and you’ll need a new pair of glasses,” he warned with a smirk. 

“Please don’t even joke, they take a long time to replace and I can’t _see_." 

Sirius laughed and finished off the wine in his glass. “Oh, I know. I’ll never forget when Pete's Avifors spell backfired and blew your glasses to bits. Your rage was comparable to mine. You didn't even laugh when I turned him into an armchair. Terrifying,” he sniggered.

“What you don’t know is that I cried in the bathroom when I didn’t think anyone was around,” James admitted with a laugh. 

Sirius burst into laughter and then summoned over the bottle of wine and an extra glass with his wand. "The secret life of James Potter, Hogwarts' hero," he teased.

“Fine, you’ve convinced me to stay,” Sirius went on after a moment as he filled up both glasses. “But only if you can keep up with me,” he grinned, sliding the glass towards James.

“I’ve held my own for this long, haven’t I?” James asked, taking a drink of wine. “Even if in addition to crying alone in the bathroom, I may have on occasion vomited alone in the bathroom when I didn’t think anyone could hear me.” 

“Indeed,” Sirius replied with a grin. “And you weren’t always alone in there--if I happened to make it into the bathroom, that is.” 

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” James groaned. 

“James!” Lily called from the living room. “You went in there for the appetizers thirty minutes ago, stop snogging your boyfriend.” 

James snorted. “We’ve been caught.” 

“Ah, Isn't that the real thrill of it though,” Sirius smirked and stood up, taking the wine bottle with him. “To be continued,” he said to James with a grin. 

James winked and led Sirius back into the living room with a plate of little hot-dogs that had been conspicuously dented by James and Sirius. He set it down on the table and clapped his hands together. 

“Alright, presents time,” James said and Lily scooped Harry up. 

“Ready big guy?” she asked him. Harry looked like he had no idea what was happening. James took a seat next to Remus, his camera at the ready, as Lily sat down on the center of the carpet with Harry in her lap and pulled a present over. 

“Open it!” she said. Harry looked up at her cluelessly, mouth hanging open and a bit of drool gathering at the corner. Lily demonstrated what she meant, and ripped some of the paper. Harry started to get the picture and tore a little bit himself, but was then swiftly distracted by the ribbon. 

Remus watched Harry fondly with a beaming smile replacing the tired one he wore earlier. 

“I can’t believe how much he looks like you,” he said, turning to James. “Even more so in person.” He looked back at Harry. This was the first time Remus had ever met Harry. James and Lily had sent him pictures over the past few months. And although he was always happy to see them, they also served to remind him how alienated he had become from his friends. He watched as Lily revealed Harry’s first gift, which was a Gryffindor quidditch onesie with ‘Potter’ written across the back, and a baby-sized toy quaffle. Remus couldn’t help but wonder when or even if he would be seeing Harry again. 

James smiled at Remus, “Yeah,” he agreed. “He does, but he’s got Lily’s eyes--not just the color, but the shape, too. That sort of wide, almond-shape,” he said and beamed down at Harry, laughing now at the onesie. Harry had stuck the sleeve into his mouth and was chewing on it. “Babies’ eye color changes, did you know that?” he asked. “Because I sure as hell didn’t, and it was a pretty big surprise--they were kind of a pale, greenish hazel, then one day he woke up not too long ago, and they were Lily-emerald,” James explained. “But apparently that’s normal, they get darker over time.” 

Remus smiled fondly down at Harry as Lily brought over the next gift before turning back to James. 

“Well, he’s beautiful. I’m happy for you, for both of you.” The next gift was revealed to be a baby motorcycle jacket, clearly from Sirius. 

“Thank you for inviting me today. I’ve really missed you both,” Remus said, his glance darting to Sirius who was next to Marlene, both of whom were laughing happily at Harry’s gift reveal. Remus’ expression became melancholy when his eyes fell on Sirius. He frowned wearily and looked back towards Harry. 

“Of course,” said James. “We’ve missed you too,” he told him with a frown, following Remus’ look over towards Sirius. 

“I’ve tried to talk to him,” James continued, “But--he won’t listen, and I’ve put so much stress and responsibility on him, I don’t know if I’m really in a position to push,” James explained quietly. “But for what it’s worth, Lily and I don’t buy it _at all_ ,” he said firmly, turning to Remus and holding his gaze with an intensity that could leave no doubt of the depth and sincerity of the faith James had in Remus. 

Remus turned back to James and listened intently. Even though he knew Lily and James didn’t share Sirius’ beliefs it still brought him relief to hear it. It made him feel slightly less alone. 

“That’s worth a great deal to me,” Remus told him with a tired, but contented smile. 


	6. January, 1981: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Sturgis was looking for was any kind of sign that pointed to the possibility of a concealment charm being used. Even the simplest instance of defect in the charm would let him know whether the Mulciber estate was an active safe house. If they advanced without this knowledge, they could walk right up to the front door and end up in a trap. Sturgis wasn’t interested in another Order ambush. He wanted to bring the ambush to them.

Freezing, unrelenting downpour raged upon west London on New Year's day, blowing out the power in the affluent neighborhood. Sirius' sizable flat, however, was completely unaffected. A record was magically removed from Sirius's extensive and pristine collection, which nearly took up the entire brick wall of his living room. The record carefully settled its self on the turntable of an intricate silver and brass record player. Once the stylus came down, Dead Kennedy's, _'California über alles'_ , began to wail.

Sirius was only home on account of the bought of wizard’s flu he had contracted several days earlier--which he adamantly denied came from his inappropriate clothing choices while on his motorcycle. Sirius had actually been intended to join a team to investigate a possible Death Eater hideout outside of Edinburgh until he became sick. After that no one wanted to be near him and he was quarantined.

Marlene had been brave enough to accompany him for the storm, knowing how miserable and sulky Sirius becomes when left alone too long. Sirius had been feeling better for the most part but still kept his flat warmer than usual and was wearing substantially more clothing. He lay sideways on his bed with his head propped up by one hand while he surveyed the hand of muggle playing cards that Marlene had dealt him. She had been attempting to get him to play, ‘bullshit.’

“Let me get this straight. If I don’t have the cards you _want_ me to lie to you?” Sirius asked, looking up at her from the cards with his brow arching. His voice still sounded a bit stuffy, but in a sort of endearing way.

Marlene laughed, caught between exasperation and genuine amusement. 

“Yes, that’s the idea!” she said. “We both have to lie about our cards, the other has to try and catch them in a lie,” she said. “So you’ve also got to try and make it seem like you’re lying even when you’re telling the truth,” Marlene explained, then smirked as she shuffled the cards some more in an extravagant manner, using magic to make them flip and dance into different positions. 

“I figured you’d be good at it since you’re such a rotten liar, anyway.”

“Since when am I a rotten liar!” Sirius demanded as he laughed. 

Marlene gave him a ‘ _seriously_?’ sort of look and waved her hand dismissively, “All that sneaking about you did at Hogwarts? Those are called lies, Sirius,” she teased. 

"Alright, fine. I _may_ have lied once or twice," Sirius grinned. He then looked back down at his cards as a smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth. “And what happens if you catch me in a lie?” his eyes flicked back to hers, “Do I get in trouble?”

“I get to kill you,” Marlene said, deadpan, then grinned, “Of course not! But if I catch you lying, you have to take all the cards from the pile and add them to your hand. If I’m wrong, though, and you weren’t lying, I take the cards from the pile. “You win by getting rid of all your cards, so getting stuck with the pile is a problem.”

“I think I’d rather you try and kill me,” Sirius replied, smirking at her with his eyes flashing. “That’s loads more interesting.” He then turned to reach for his tea from the nightstand, leaving his cards face up on the bed--already ruining the game.

“Well, we can see where the night takes us,” Marlene said with a wink as she re-dealt him his cards and her own, leaving some in the center for the pile. 

“I’ll go first,” she said, laying down two cards. “Two aces,” she announced.

Marlene had managed to grip Sirius’ attention, at least temporarily. He returned the mug to his nightstand before rolling onto his back next to her. After briefly surveying his new cards he turned and looked at Marlene. At first, he had intended to determine if she was lying by her facial expression, but then found himself really just looking at her. Sirius had been so close to going off on a mission that could have taken weeks. She brought him a feeling of wholeness that he didn't fully understand. He found himself realizing that this is exactly where he wanted to be.

Marlene found herself distracted by Sirius’ fixed stare--she didn’t think he was really working _that_ hard to ascertain whether she was lying about her hand or not. Marlene was also frankly a little concerned that she could _still_ find him so attractive when he was still looking a bit worn-down and congested from the flu. It really made her worry for her own sanity.

When she caught his gaze, Sirius immediately looked down at his own cards and shifted uncomfortably, shaking away the disturbing thought. 

“Bullshit,” he declared with a small grin, though still looked a bit distracted.

She smiled and shook her head. “Nope, I was telling the truth,” she said, turning over the two cards to show them that they were, indeed, aces. “The person to go first usually throws down an ace or two, guess I forgot to mention that,” she winked. “I believe this is all yours now,” Marlene smirked, pushing the pile towards him.

“ _Mars!_ That’s _cheating_!” Sirius proclaimed, playfully affronted. “And here I was thinking we were friends,” he sniggered. He let his hand linger atop hers for just a moment as he took the cards from her.

Marlene’s smile widened as Sirius’ hand lingered, but she didn’t let herself get distracted--she had to defend her honor. “It is not cheating!” she protested. “You have to guess _correctly_ when I’m lying, and I have to trick you. That’s the game. I’m just _winning_ ,” Marlene told him. “Now you go.”

Sirius shook his head as he looked over his many cards. “Now whose the rotten liar,” he teased, flashing her a devious look. After a moment, he took a card from his hand and put it face down on the bed. “Six,” he said, then placed another, “Six,” and finally lay one more next to the others, “Six.” He looked up at her with a curling, self-satisfied smirk.

Marlene pressed a finger to her lips, deciding whether or not to call bullshit. It seemed incredible that he’d really get three sixes, but then again, this was Sirius Black they were talking about. “Well, since you are the devil incarnate, I’m going to assume you’re telling the truth,” she said, then placed down her own cards.

“Queen, King, and Joker,” she said.

Once Sirius had figured out which card was the Joker he turned back onto his side and looked at Marlene. 

“We’ve got to make the stakes higher on this game or I’m going to fall asleep,” he told her, emitting a fake yawn. Marlene rolled her eyes in response but couldn't hold back a smirk. 

"Very well, what are your stakes?"

“If I get this one, you can risk catching the flu and kiss me.”

“The fact that my instinct isn’t to automatically say no deeply troubles me,” Marlene said. “Although...I think after all this time, you’re no longer contagious. Just still kind of gross, but that I can maybe deal with.”

“I can accept being gross,” he grinned with a laugh. “Bullshit.”

Marlene smirked and turned her cards over to reveal a Queen, a five, and a ten--she had indeed been lying. “Rules are rules,” she said dutifully, then leaned over the cards to kiss Sirius square on the lips.

Sirius beamed from ear-to-ear when he saw Marlene’s cards and dropped all of his own as he kissed her back. He ran his hand through her hair and kissed her slowly. Like he's been doing this his entire life. Rather than pushing it forward as was typical, he pulled back just slightly after a few moments and looked at her searchingly.

“...I’m glad you’re here,” he said sheepishly with an uncertain smile.

Marlene pulled back and smiled once he did; she wrapped her arms around his neck, resting her head against his shoulder. “I am too,” she murmured into his neck, her lips brushing against the skin there.

Sirius smiled warmly in response and put his arm around her, letting his hand rest on the small of her back. His heartbeat began to pick up from anxiety as his thoughts urged him to continue on with this. Sirius had never asked anyone out before, not really. He never actually had feelings for someone other than physical attraction. At first he assumed that would be enough for him with Marlene, but it wasn’t. Which was aggravating.

“I...erm. I wanted to tell you something…” he swallowed hard.

Marlene cupped his face in the palms of her hands, “What’s that?” she asked.

The last place Sirius wanted to be looking was directly at Marlene, but looking anywhere else was proving to be difficult considering how close they were. He surveyed her anxiously for a moment.

“...I just wanted to tell you--to ask you? I suppose either works, really,” he grumbled to himself. “So--erm, anyway. Right. I...I’m always glad when you’re with me. No matter what we’re doing... Not just today, that’s what I mean…” This had gone far smoother in his head.

Sirius sighed, frustrated with himself. “I’m just trying to tell you that I fancy you, alright. _A lot_. And, I dunno, we could be together, if you wanted to.” It came out a bit more irritated than he’d have liked but he was relieved that it came out at all.

Marlene could only laugh at Sirius’ disjointed thoughts and the sudden grumpiness his tone had acquired--yet she continued to rub her thumb up and down over the line of his cheek bone to let him know that it was a fond laugh, not a callous one.

“How could I say no when it sounds like it will make you so happy?” she teased him, but then her expression softened--even if this wasn’t exactly the delivery she had expected from one Sirius Black, his words nonetheless filled her with a rush of happiness that she hadn’t felt in a very long time.

“I fancy you, too,” Marlene told him sincerely, then smiled. “I would like it very much if we were together,” she said, her tone much easier and more confident than his.

Sirius had been fixating on her with anticipation and almost looked confused when she answered. “Really?” He asked incredulously with an almost goofy smile. In retrospect he realized this wasn’t the most suave response.

He attempted to rectify it, “I mean, right. Good.” That certainly wasn’t correct either. 

Sighing in exasperation once more, Sirius looked at Marlene, “Please don’t make me keep talking,” he pleaded.

“Oh, it would be my pleasure to make you stop--in case you haven’t noticed, you’re like, suddenly not very good at it,” Marlene teased. “I hope you’re not having a stroke,” she went on. “Maybe this will help,” she leaned in, then, and kissed him again.

Sirius laughed and gladly returned the kiss. “You’re to blame for all of it,” he told her with a grin before kissing her again.

“I’ll accept that blame,” Marlene said, then pushed Sirius back down onto the bed.

~~*~~

The storm hadn’t passed through Scotland with quite the same wrath as it did London, but snow was now falling in oversized clumps that piled on the roof of a small cottage just outside of Edinburgh. A team of Order members had been keeping tabs on an abandoned estate of known Death Eater family, the Mulcibers. Allies of the Order had reported suspicious activity in the surrounding area.

The team was comprised of Dorcas, Kingsley, Sturgis and Frank and Alice Longbottom. This marked the Longbottom’s first mission since Neville had been born. Despite the cold, Sturgis stood guard outside of the front door. After hearing about the incident at the moor, Sturgis took extra caution in every mission he was a part of.

Alice sat on an overstuffed couch close to the hearth of the fireplace with a knitted blanket draped over her. She glanced out the window and sighed as she watched Sturgis’ figure standing guard. 

“We already had to kick someone off the team for catching the flu. If Sturgis keeps this up he’ll be next!” She shook her head warily.

“He isn’t riding around in January wearing a t-shirt like Sirius. Sturgis knows what he’s doing,” Frank comforted her with a sympathetic smile. “But I can bring him out some tea if that will keep you from getting all mother-bear on him.

Alice shot him a wry smile but sunk back into the couch, a bit more at ease. Frank gave her an affectionate pat on the shoulder before heading into the small kitchen to fix a cup of tea.

Dorcas stared pensively out the kitchen window in the general direction of the Mulciber’s home; she could see barely anything through the darkness and snow, but she wasn’t really attempting to do surveillance, Dorcas was just...ruminating. She had no love for the son, but it was strange to think how school-aged rivalries had so seamlessly transferred over to a full-out, bloody war. Although none of them had joined the Order or the Death Eaters until after graduation, the battle lines had been drawn and remained relatively consistent as far back as first year. 

It was just strange to think of--like it all had a prophetic quality.

Dorcas startled at Frank’s entrance, but then offered him a smile. “Hey, there,” she greeted.

“Oh! Hello Dorcas!” Frank said cheerily, just a bit startled--but Frank was rather well known for being jumpy. “Hope I’m not disturbing you. Just getting some tea for our tireless sentry outside. Can I get you some?”

“Sure, I’ll take a cuppa,” Dorcas smiled.

Meanwhile, Sturgis crossed his arms closer to his chest to brace against the wind and gripped his wand tightly. He fixated on the shadow of the estate in the distance. It was completely black and void of life that evening just as it had been for the past several days. He couldn’t blame his team for becoming a bit restless and irritated--it was frustrating indeed. But this is what they signed up for.

What Sturgis was looking for was any kind of sign that pointed to the possibility of a concealment charm being used. Even the simplest instance of defect in the charm would let him know whether the Mulciber estate was an active safe house. If they advanced without this knowledge, they could walk right up to the front door and end up in a trap. Sturgis wasn’t interested in another Order ambush. He wanted to bring the ambush to them.

So he kept watch all day and all night for as long as he could. Admittedly, his mind had begun to drift for a little while. He thought about sitting by the fire inside, and about the warm little cot he could be laying in. It was well past two in the morning now, after all. Nothing would be wrong with calling it a night.

Sturgis was mid-turn when he saw the little flash of light. For a moment he figured that he must have imagined it. But as he stared out into the dark shadow of the estate, it happened again. Light of a fire coming from one of the windows in the estate. A defect.

Without wasting another moment, Sturgis pulled open the door and stepped inside the cottage.

Alice turned when Sturgis came in. “Thank Merlin!” she sighed. “Now come sit down and get yourself warmed up,” she instructed.

Sturgis ignored her and looked around wearing a solemn expression.

“They’re here. They’re using the estate. I saw through their concealment charm.”

Dorcas jumped up at Sturgis’ announcement, abandoning her tea with barely a second though. Her body was tense, alert, fingers wrapped around her wand.

“What’s the plan now?” she asked. “Do we advance?”

“We don’t know how many there are,” Alice said as she walked over to Dorcas and Sturgis. Frank stood beside her looking tense.

“There could be five or there could be thirty five,” she continued, “We should send a message to Alastor,” she suggested.

Sturgis looked thoughtfully amongst the three. The excitement of this discovery urged him to advance but Alice’s caution was logical.

“Wake up Kingsley, We need to send his patronus to Moody. Tell him we need every able bodied Order member here. Now.”


	7. January, 1981: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius took a deep breath outside the door of the library and gripped his wand tightly. Since Bellatrix would not expect him, he had the upper hand. If he could just stay focused he knew he had a much better chance of making it out of this alive. But Bellatrix was infamous for toying with her opponents. Like a cat playing with a mouse before slaughtering it.

Moody didn’t need to be told twice to rally the troops. He’d thought it ridiculous from the start that Black should be put on leave over a _head cold_ (nevermind that Kingsley insisted it was the flu, nevermind that it was contagious). He was more than happy to do the honors of rousing Black from his holiday and for a good reason.

When Black didn’t respond to his patronus _or_ answer his door as Moody pounded on it, the grizzled Auror took it upon himself to go through Black’s wards--Moody _had_ helped the young put them up in the first place, so he felt he was well within his rights.

“ _BLACK_!” Moody roared, wand out--Moody knew something could be amiss. Something could _always_ be amiss, and ever since the Potters had gone into hiding, Black had become a hot target. The Death Eaters rightly assumed Black must know something about Potter--in fact, he knew _everything_ about the Potters. Making Black the secret keeper had always been a bit too obvious for Moody’s liking, but Potter’s faith in his friends was as unshakeable as a boulder, and he and Lily trusted no one quite like they trusted Black. On some level, Moody could understand closing ranks in that way.

He barged straight into Black’s bedroom, threw the lights on, and didn’t even flinch when McKinnon emerged, profoundly startled, from under the covers.

“Good,” Moody said simply. “You’re both here. Get dressed and let’s go,” he ordered.

Sirius had been highly content in his sleep potion-induced coma. It was always particularly pleasant to be in such a dark, deep sleep where dreams of green flashes couldn’t find him. That is until Mad-Eye was suddenly barking over him. Even then his mind and body protested against waking. His internal struggle resulted in him unwillingly emerging into consciousness with overwhelming confusion and sluggishness.

He immediately interpreted Mad-Eye’s barking as a threat and without further thought, threw himself towards his wand on the nightstand. This reaction sent him tumbling butt-naked to the floor. His nightstand followed shortly after, smashing beside him.

Moody let out a derisive snort. _This_ is what he was dealing with.

Sirius grunted with misery from the floor, squinting his eyes first to see his shattered lamp and then upwards following the figure that disturbed him, finally resting on Mad-Eye’s face.

He might have preferred a Death Eater.

“ _Motherfucker_ ,” he said cheerfully, groaning as he ran hand through his hair where he had smacked his head.

“Why in _Merlin's shit-hole_ are you in my goddamn _bedroom?_ ” he demanded, propping himself up onto his forearms. “I am _off duty_. Which means no bloody three A.M drills!”

“You’re back on duty now, Black. We’ve got Death Eaters at the Mulciber manor and we’re ready to strike. We need all hands on deck,” he barked. 

Marlene was bundled in the blankets still, face beat red and hot, trying to conceal anything even _more_ revealing than what was already on display. She simply stared at Moody in both amazement and bewilderment, not sure if this was real or a dream. Moody catching her in bed, naked, with Sirius Black sure felt like a fucking anxiety dream.

“ _NOW_!” Moody reiterated.

“Alright!” Marlene said, finally, snapping fully back into reality. “Could you just...go for a second as we get ready?” she asked, tone bordering on hysterical. There was no way these blankets were shifting while Moody was glowering there in the corner.

“Five minutes,” Moody grunted and left the bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

Still fuming, Sirius looked up at Marlene in disbelief and picked a piece of glass out of his bare chest.

“And here I was thinking we could have _one night_ of privacy. How _ridiculous_ of me,” he grumbled as he stood up and stormily ripped his pack filled with tactical gear out from under the bed. 

He stepped into his black trousers, continuing to vent, “Cocksucker...Thinks he can burst in on me in _my own flat_. I've forgotten what privacy even is since joining the Order. Who will it be next time? Might as well just send out sleepover invitations to everyone.”

“It would probably be Moody again. Can't imagine who else would really have the nerve,” she remarked as she pulled a shirt on.

Sirius zipped his trousers before turning back and caught Marlene's eye. They both suddenly cracked into laughter.

“You alright?” he asked, still smiling.

“Um, that was probably the most humiliating moment of my life,” Marlene laughed with a shake of her head. “But I don’t think he even gives a shit, his head is so in the game…” she frowned. “I guess we better get ours in it, too.”

After navigating his way out of the black long-sleeved shirt Sirius had pulled over his head, he turned back to Marlene. His snigger was replaced with a grave expression after her last words.

“Stay close to me, alright?”

Marlene nodded, her expression twisted now with worry and some unnameable emotion--something akin to losing Sirius when she was only really getting to _have_ him. She hugged him briefly, then a booming voice filled the flat.

“LET’S GO, LOVE BIRDS!” Moody roared. Marlene sighed.

“Guess we better,” she said, then reluctantly opened the bedroom door and joined Moody in the living room.

Sirius pulled the straps of his pack over each shoulder before following Marlene out to face Moody. He stood before him, scowling. All he really wanted to do was continue to throw obscenities at him and overtly threaten him, but instead simply nodded curtly and said:

“Let’s get on with this, then.”

~~*~~

The Mulciber manor was dark and opulent, quiet and still, though thanks to Sturgis, they knew better than to fall fool to the facade of abandonment. Dorcas stood at attention as Benjy--a cursebreaker--expertly undid the wards around the maor.

After a long few minutes as Benjy worked and the rest stood in perfect and tense silence, he finally broke it and whispered, “They’re down.”

Though he’d spoke quietly, Benjy’s voice cutting into the deep silence of the night sounded almost like a shout and gave Dorcas a start. She recentered herself quickly, though, and followed her team into the belly of the beast. 

It was similarly dark and quiet inside--eerie, but they had the light that had gone off earlier to direct them. As they moved closer to that portion of the house, wands outstretched, Dorcas began to hear stirrings and hushed murmurs from further in; they were there.

Sturgis led the team further down the dark, narrow corridor of the west wing until they reached a fork in the road with several closed doors down each corridor. They could see light from under the doors and could hear the sounds of voices laughing and talking leisurely. Clearly the voices were completely unaware of any approaching danger.

Sturgis turned and addressed the team. “We split up from here. Remember, we are doing this _stealthily_ ,” he explained, barely whispering as he surveyed the shadowed faces of Dorcas, Mary, Edgar, Sirius, Marlene, and Peter. They were all wearing cloaks that mirrored the Death Eater’s own uniform.

“Ed, Dorcas and Mary, you’re with me,” Sturgis continued and Edgar nodded. “Sirius, Marlene, and Peter will take the kitchen and library.”

Sirius sighed as he eyed Peter warily. Edgar sniggered quietly and gave Sirius a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

“Take out whoever you can quietly. They’ll catch on soon enough. Once they do, send red sparks out the window to alert the grounds teams. We want to smoke them out and send them onto the grounds to get fucked. Understood?” Sturgis finished, his eyes flashing dangerously.

“Aye,” Edgar responded enthusiastically with a grin. Sirius crossed his arms and smirked--this was almost fun for him. Peter, meanwhile, looked as though he was on the verge of passing out.

They all pulled the black hoods over their heads as Sturgis, Dorcas, and Edgar crept down the left corridor and Sirius, Marlene, and Peter the right.

Silently, Sirius led Marlene and Peter down the dark hallway towards the kitchen. Peter began to whimper from the back.

"Wait for me!" he hissed. 

"Pete, shut the fuck up," Marlene snarled quietly, which made Sirius smile.

"We shouldn't be doing this! We have no idea who is here or how many there are!" Peter protested.

Sirius swiftly pulled Marlene and Peter around a shadowy corner and they all crouched against the wall. There were a few closed doors down the corridor. He listened carefully to the sounds inside of the room but it wasn’t enough. Not for a human, anyway.

“Pete's right," Sirius declared possibly for the first time in his life. Peter turned to him, stunned.

"We're not doing this right. We shouldn't be blind,” Sirius grumbled quietly in thought. He glanced at Marlene furtively with his heart racing while he made up his mind. Sharing this secret with anyone who wasn’t a marauder wasn’t something Sirius took lightly. He had given James loads of shit about it when he had wanted to tell Lily. He had been banned from the dormitory for it. But Sirius didn’t have that kind of time now.

Pulling down his hood, Sirius turned to Marlene and gripped her arm as he surveyed her.

“Right, so there’s something you don’t know about me. Something almost _no one_ knows,” he whispered quickly, glancing at Peter briefly. Peter seemed to look right past him, lost in his own anxious thoughts.

“But I trust you, alright. I don’t have time to explain so I need you to promise me two things: First, don’t tell _anyone_ about this. And second, _do-not-scream_.”

Marlene stared at Sirius, alarmed, but nodded along in agreement as she watched him.

Sirius stared at her for a moment before backing away from the wall, still in a crouching position. And then, he emitted a soft sigh and suddenly Sirius Black wasn’t there anymore. A great black dog now stood in his exact place with his large muzzle turned towards Marlene and Peter.

Marlene had to cover her mouth entirely to keep from making a sound. She stared down at the dog in amazement--at first, she could barely even make sense of what she’d seen, but then, of course--Sirius was an animagus. 

He gave them a small, uncertain wag of his tail before turning towards the closed doors. Thousands of scents and sounds hit him all at once. It had been difficult to navigate the world in this way when the boys first began to transform. But Sirius had learned. He sifted through the bombarding senses and quickly built himself a blueprint of the entire corridor.

It's a good thing he did, too. Because they weren't alone.

~~*~~

Amycus Carrow Sr. had heard the undercover Order members as he was coming out from the toliet. He had watched as Black had broken off from the others and was filled with a rush of joy. If he could be the one to deliver Black to the Dark Lord himself, alone then he could receive all of the glory. Perhaps he could then, finally, become a part of Lord Voldemort's clicky inner-circle. Yes, it would certainly work. Amycus Carrow Sr. decided right then to pursue this little group himself without alerting any of the others. He had the element of surprise on his side, after all.

As he crept around the corner behind them, he was surprised to find an absurdly large black dog blocking his way. It was so dark he nearly crashed into the beast. Amycus Carrow couldn't recall Mulciber telling them they owned a dog. Rather rude, he thought. Anyway, he hated dogs, and this one was keeping him from his ascension within the Death Eaters. He took out a rusty blade from his robes and grinned maniacally at the dog.

"Here, doggie," he whispered menacingly, beckoning the dog closer.

The dog stared up at the man with his head cocked to the side curiously, almost playfully. He began to wag his tail slowly.

"Stupid, mindless beast," he laughed. "You deserve this."

Just as Amycus Carrow Sr. lifted the blade, like the crack of a whip, Sirius launched himself in a flash from his back legs and soundlessly tore out his throat. He collapsed on the floor with his rusty blade beside him.

~~*~~

The scene was brutal, vicious, blood was everywhere--and while it had been totally wicked and this was a _murderer_ , after all, Marlene didn’t exactly want to linger. She swiftly began to dart down the hall to their next target, but paused at the sound of retching.

Peter was vomiting on the floor.

“ _Peter_ ,” she hissed.

“I’m _sorry_ ,” Peter groaned from the floor, down on all fours. “I can’t handle blood!”

Marlene observed him with her arms folded, her expression a cross between sympathy and exasperation--perhaps someone who couldn’t handle blood shouldn’t have joined the Order in the first place.

“Come on, get up.” Sirius sighed, having returned to them. He was pale and shaky, like he was on the verge of joining Peter on the floor. Peter clung to Sirius as he struggled to his feet

Once Peter looked stable enough, Sirius addressed the two of them.

“There are four others in this wing. Two sleeping in bedrooms, one in the kitchen, and one in the library. Marlene, take the kitchen,” he told her, avoiding her eye. “And Pete, you take the one’s sleeping.”

"Why do I have two? Can't I take the library?" Peter groaned. 

"If you'd like to have a go with Bellatrix Lestrange then be my guest," Sirius replied coolly.

Peter began to whimper in response and Sirius rolled his eyes.

“For fuck’s sake, Peter! The two in the bedrooms are _sleeping_. Just stun them,” he instructed, exasperated. Still whimpering, Peter scurried off into the darkness, clutching his stumpy wand in both hands. After Peter had disappeared into the darkness, Sirius turned to Marlene.

“Once you clear the kitchen, leave the house and join everyone outside,” his voice was almost stern. Even with the element on surprise on his side, he knew Bellatrix wasn't going down without a fight. And he didn’t want Marlene anywhere near her.

Marlene looked reluctant--what if he needed back up? But there was no time to argue over it, she’d just have to decide for herself when the time came if she’d actually listen to him or not. She nodded her head curtly all the same, and darted off to the kitchen.

Meanwhile, Peter ran past the bedroom doors towards the library. He would only have a few moments on Sirius but he needed to tell Bellatrix that he was coming. Then she could take him for the Dark Lord and Peter would have helped. Surely the Dark Lord would appreciate his efforts.

Once he arrived in front of the library, Peter thrust open the door and then bent over to his knees to catch his breath.

“The Order...raid...Black--Sirius...coming for you,” burst out Peter, breathlessly. 

Bellatrix's gaze shot up from her fixation on letter she had been writing to the Dark Lord. Her penmanship alone oozed obsessive infatuation. Her countenance hardened into a scowl upon beholding Pettigrew. Such a pathetic, slimy weasel had no authority to freely intrude on the right-hand of the all mighty Lord Voldemort. Especially one who had so far proven himself entirely worthless and was likely to soon be ended. 

"Get out," Bellatrix recommended, nauseated by the sight of Pettigrew. Peter, who was well accustomed to being commanded by the Black family members to get out, immediately obliged.

Peter then returned to his instructed trajectory and located one of the bedroom doors. Instead of sneaking in silently, he burst in.

“Alert the Dark Lord! Alert him now! The Order has taken the house! They’re _here_!”

Lucius was the one sleeping in the bedroom--typically, he returned home to Narcissa and Draco as soon as humanly possible, but he had a mission in the early morning.

Peter Pettigrew bursting into his room like a bat out of hell and disturbing his sleep only served as a reminder as to why he was always so eager to get home. 

“And why aren’t you off fighting them, Pettigrew?” Lucius grumbled, grabbing his wand and mask from a side table. He supposed Pettigrew _was_ the spy and he couldn’t really jeopardize his cover; the Dark Lord seemed to still think that he was somehow useful, otherwise Pettigrew would likely be dead already, and yet Potter clearly had not divulged anything useful to him--perhaps the mudblood-lover wasn’t a stupid as he looked.

Just because the Dark Lord saw some value in him didn’t mean _Lucius_ had to like or respect him.

Peter gaped at Lucius, opening and closing his mouth repeatedly like a fish out of water.  
“Well, let’s get on with it, I suppose,” Lucius tried to sound indifferent, but there was a barely detectable tension in his voice--becoming a father had made him anxious about death. “Shall you find a nice corner in here in which to cower?” Lucius asked, gesturing grandly.

“I….” Peter stammered. “I--I’ve alerted you and the Dark Lord...I’ve saved us all…” he tried, and failed, to puff up his chest.

“Podmore and Bones...they’ve gone down the east corridor. You...should go after them. Er...if you think you should--if you want to, I mean.” Peter continued to stammer.

Lucius rolled his eyes, sighed, then excited the bedroom without another word to Peter.

~~*~~

Sirius took a deep breath outside the door of the library and gripped his wand tightly. Since Bellatrix would not expect him, he had the upper hand. If he could just stay focused he knew he had a much better chance of making it out of this alive. But Bellatrix was infamous for toying with her opponents. Like a cat playing with a mouse before slaughtering it. He opened the door and took a few steps in, locating her in the center of the room. She was sitting at a table with her back to him. Her legs were crossed leisurely and her long, black wand already in hand.

“Is that my pretty baby cousin?” Bellatrix began smoothly, without needing to turn around. “Thought you’d pop in and surprise me? I’ve been _so_ hoping to see you, after all.”

She turned around and smiled sweetly at Sirius, who scowled in response, confused by her lack of surprise.

"Nice robes," she commented, observing Sirius' Death Eater disguise. "Suits you, really. Have you decided to join us after all?" 

“Get up,” he said coldly, dropping his pack and Death Eater robes to the floor. He kicked the door closed behind him.

“Oh, please don’t stop undressing,” she said with a mock sigh as she twirled her wand playfully around her fingers. “I always wondered what you’ve got hidden under there.”

Outside the window, red sparks could be seen shooting across the night sky.

“ _Get up_.” Sirius reiterated, unfazed. He pointed his wand at her face.

“No matter. I’ll just ask Marlene McKinnon.” Bellatrix’s eyes flashed dangerously and a smirk curled at the corner of her mouth.

Unfortunately, Sirius had never been good at masking his emotions. Which, of course, Bellatrix knew. His face flushed instantly and his blood pressure began to rise. Harnessing a substantial amount of energy, Sirius blasted the table Bellatrix was sitting at, sending it smashing into a large bookshelf where it shattered. Already, she’d pushed the right button.

“Ooooh, hit a nerve, did I?” Bellatrix said, brushing wood shards and splinters off her robes. “Interesting. I’ll keep that in mind,” she said with malice in her voice.

Bellatrix raised her wand then and her lips curled into a wicked smile. “This one’s for your dear old Dad,” she smirked, then said, “ _Crucio_!”

There was a ringing in Sirius’ head. It was a deafening, ear-splitting sound. The kind of noise that makes you feel like your head is going to explode. He had heard it before. When his father has used this exact curse on him when he was sixteen years old. As he writhed on the floor for what felt like a lifetime, he forced his eyes open and watched as his cousin inaudibly laughed at him. Until they rolled back into his head.

_”SIRIUS BLACK” His mother’s voice boomed at him, echoing through his mind._

_Four-year-old Sirius dragged his feet down the long, dark hallway of number 12 Grimmauld place towards the drawing room. He peered into the doorway and saw his mother standing in the center of the room, waiting like one of the wampus cats Sirius had seen in his magical creatures picture book. They guarded things that they loved. Sirius didn't think that his mother was guarding him, though._

_"Get in here," his mother commanded. Sirius turned back once more to look at the winding staircase where Regulus sat, clinging to the bottom of the bannister. He was still whimpering and had tear streaks down his little face. He then proceeded into the drawing room and approached his towering mother._

_“You struck your sweet cousin! What is WRONG with you?”_

_Sirius looked up at his towering mother, teary-eyed and angry._

_“She’s a rotten, nasty thing, mother. She gave Regulus a hard pinch! Many hard pinches! I told her to stop over and over but she wouldn't! He was so very upset!”_

_“LIAR. ALWAYS LYING,” Mrs. Black snapped, smacking him on the ear. “YOU are the rotten, nasty one! Foul little monster! YOU have hurt Regulus. How dare you sully my house. You will never be a deserving heir.”_

_Sirius’ lip quivered as tears welled in his eyes. He fought them back by clenching his jaw. Somehow he'd managed to disappoint her and her house again. But this wasn't about him, it was about Regulus. “I don’t care if I become in trouble. You can even take away my sticky trainers. She won’t be hurting on Regulus ever again. She won't be hurting on me neither...”_

Sirius bit down hard, stopping his screams as the Mulciber manor library hazily reappeared. He could taste blood in his mouth from nearly biting off his own tongue, but he didn’t care. Staring at Bellatrix through the pain, he reached for his wand. As his eyes involuntarily rolled backwards again, his mind began to drag him back under. This time taking him to lake Windermere, by the moor. Marlene stood there with him, rolling a rock in her hand.

_”After I die I think I’d like to come back here.”_

_“Is that right?” Sirius asked, quirking a smile. “Why right here?”_

He fought the memory this time, and blindly grabbed his wand. He pointed it out at the vast lake where he remembered Bellatrix to be. With the most steady flick he could muster, Sirius sent her the only spell he was capable of performing in that state; one that he had practiced countless times.

His disarming spell hit Bellatrix, breaking her concentration, which in turn broke the curse. He pushed himself onto his forearms, heaving and vomiting blood onto the floor.

Having heard Sirius’ screams, Marlene burst into the library--she didn’t waste a moment in pointing her wand squarely at Bellatrix and shouting, “ _Stupefy_!”

Normally, it wasn’t so easy to get the better of Bellatrix, but having just been disarmed and with Marlene in possession of the element of surprise, the spell hit Bellatrix squarely in the chest and she fell, frozen, to the ground. 

Marlene dropped to her knees on the floor beside Sirius so that she was level with him, “ _Sirius_!” she gasped, tears welling in her eyes. “Can you stand?” she asked, trying not to focus too much on the blood he’d just coughed up.

The room was still spinning for Sirius and he wasn’t entirely certain of where or when he was; but he sat up a bit and tried to discern which of the three blurry images of Marlene’s face was the real one. He then glanced over at Bellatrix’s frozen body before turning back to her. 

“You’re fucking gorgeous. D’you know that? All three of you.” he told the three swirling faces of Marlene, his face cracking into a goofy smile.

Marlene laughed, a little more heartily than she normally would have, because she was so relieved to hear Sirius make a joke. “Okay, but which one of us is your _favorite_?” she asked, raising her eyebrows suggestively.

“I don’t take favorites,” Sirius explained. “I only hope I have the stamina for all three of you,” he smirked.

Marlene snorted--but this wasn’t exactly the time for jokes, so Marlene wrapped Sirius’ arm around her shoulder, “Come on, big guy,” she said, wobbling to her feet and hauling Sirius up with her. “Let’s go before your crazy cousin wakes up.”

Sirius struggled to find his footing, but eventually managed to walk on his own. He kept his arms wrapped around Marlene’s shoulder anyway.

“Erm...was all that real?” he asked, to be sure.

“Definitely real, Bellatrix Lestrange is definitely out cold on the floor,” she assured him.

“Right,” Sirius nodded as they left the room. “I figured as much.”

~~*~~

Voldemort swept through the Mulciber manor wearing a thoroughly displeased expression. Somehow the Order had located one of his major hideouts. It wasn’t the fact that several of his men had already been killed that was bothering him. It was that several of them had run off away from the fight. He glanced outside one of the large windows where more of his army were being defeated in the snow.

Barty Crouch Jr. was basically jogging to keep up with him.

“My Lord,” he said breathlessly. “We are severely outnumbered and they’ve put up wards to keep us from getting anyone else into the perimeter…”

“Yes, and?” Voldemort asked, exasperated.

“...I will stay behind and take care of all of them myself,” he exclaimed, puffing his chest.

Voldemort rolled his eyes. “Go,” he said indifferently as he headed down the east corridor. It seemed as though nearly everyone in the house, both Order and Death Eater alike had made their way outside to fight. Not quite everyone, though. Peter stood outside of the drawing room, he threw himself to Voldemort’s feet when he laid eyes on him.

“Who do we have?” Voldemort asked coldly before Peter could begin to stammer.

“W--we have one of them, my lord. Dorcas Meadowes. P--Podmore and Bones were fighting Malfoy but Dolohov arrived and drew them outside...None of the Order members spotted me, my lord.”

“What a relief,” Voldemort replied before blasting the drawing room door wide open with a gently flick of his wand.

Dorcas struggled against the ropes Peter had bound her in, nearly choking on the gag he’d shoved down her mouth as she struggled to make herself heard, but all that came out was muffled screams. Her eyes darted wildly between Voldemort and Peter--so she had been right along, Remus wasn’t the spy.

 _It was Peter_. It was Peter, it was Peter, it was _Peter_ , Dorcas thought over and over again, as if the force of her thoughts could somehow reach through to the rest of the Order.

Granted, she hadn’t seen that second part coming, but it made so much sense in retrospect. Peter had known everything Remus had, the only difference was that one was a coward and one was not. How could they not have _seen_ that Peter was by far the weaker one?

She wished fervently that she could tell someone, anyone, but Sirius in particular--Peter needed to be expelled from the Order, _he needed to be kept away from James and Lily_. Yet even as she struggled, Dorcas knew the truth was going to die with her tonight.

Lucius stood at the entrance of the now door-less room and bowed his head to Voldemort as he entered.

“She will not talk, my lord,” Lucius explained while Voldemort quietly stepped toward Dorcas. “She’s useless to us,” he continued. “Shall I have the honor of finishing her for you?”

"You shall not," Voldemort replied. "Go and join the others outside." Lucius bowed his head slowly before exiting the room. 

Voldemort stood over Dorcas, smiling. His black, soulless eyes stared straight into hers, straight through hers.

“Such a pity, isn’t it?” Voldemort asked Dorcas, cocking his head with a twisted sympathetic smile. “Here you are, privy to such a _great_ secret,” he said calmly, gesturing towards a cowering Peter--who refused to look towards Dorcas.

“Yes, I heard this has been a bit of a problem for the Order of the Phoenix,” he continued, giving Dorcas a searching look. “If I’m recalling correctly, it was Black who was the first to smell a rat. Clever thing, isn’t he? Only, he’s hunting a wolf instead of the rat--ironically enough--as, of course, you now well know.”

Dorcas flinched as she realized _he_ could read her mind--this was not the person she’d wanted to send a message to.

Voldemort stepped even closer to her and slowly, gently, pushed back her hair.

“I understand how very difficult this is for you,” he said, looking at her sadly. “In a matter of seconds you would have been able to save your friends. James Potter, Lily Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Marlene McKinnon, Mary MacDonald. And, of course, little Harry Potter. You could have saved every one of your fellow Order members,”

“That must be terribly painful,” Voldemort sighed. “But you see, Dorcas, you cannot save them--in truth, you never could. Because they are mine, all of them. _You_ are mine. One way or another, every last one of them will look upon me the way you are right now. Waiting for their death. Ineffectual and worthless. And I won’t stop until the very last of you are dead. And not just the Order, but your families, too. Everyone you have ever loved.” He caressed her face.

Voldemort surveyed Dorcas for another long, painfully silent moment before stepping away from her.

“Wormtail,” he addressed Peter without looking away from Dorcas. “Go and join your friends. Be with them in their time of grief and sorrow.”

Peter looked up from the floor, teary-eyed. His glance stumbled upon Dorcas, and immediately his lip began to quiver.

Dorcas met his gaze with an intense hatred and disgust, as if to say _those aren’t your friends anymore_.

“Y-yes, my lord,” he whispered, choking back sobs before transforming into a rat and scurrying away into the black.

~~*~~

Sirius and Marlene had been making their way towards the staircase when they heard the muffled noise of voices. They began to head towards the drawing room when Sirius suddenly recognized the voice of the main speaker. Immediately, he pulled Marlene into the next room over and leaned against the dark wall, holding her tightly. His heart was pounding. All that separated them from Lord Voldemort was a thin drywall.

They watched as a frantic Yaxley came running past them, into the drawing room next door.

“My lord!” Yaxley burst. “We must retreat. Albus Dumbledore has arrived!”

Voldemort sighed before turning back to Dorcas. “It appears that your time is up, Dorcas Meadowes.” He pulled out his wand.

Sirius’ eyes widened when he caught the name uttered by Voldemort and the remaining color he had in his face was drained. His heart, his _soul_ urged him to do something, to go to her--to save her. But there was nothing they could do. Nothing _he_ could do. He was useless. His heartbeat hammered in his ears, in the very cornerstone of his being. All he had time for was to cover Marlene’s mouth as Voldemort, in the next room, pointed his wand at Dorcas’ face and said the words, so very simply--as if he was just saying goodbye:

“ _Avada Kedavra_.”

Even from the next room Sirius could see the blinding, green light. Even with his eyes closed.

Marlene sobbed silently into Sirius’ hand, her weight collapsing against his as those two words pierced her psyche along with everything they meant. 

Her friend was dead--and to make matters worse, she couldn’t stop herself from picturing it. That Marlene stood aside and let Dorcas die frightened and alone with the Dark Lord was already beginning to eat at her, and she knew it would eat at her for a long time still.


	8. February, 1981

_”She won’t be hurting on us, me and Regulus, again”_

_“Well...we don't want to die, either. And Harry--”_

_“They’re dead. And soon we will _all_ be dead if we don’t get out of here now.”_

_“Alright, how about you kiss me?”_

_“We're not convinced, and we’re not going to punish him over your unsubstantiated claims. This is _Remus Lupin’s_ first Christmas without his mother, in case you forgot, and if his friends don't help him through that, who do you think is going to?” _

_“It appears that your time is up, Dorcas Meadowes.”_

_“Avada Kedavra.”_

Sirius woke with a start and shot up from the couch, gasping for air desperately and hungrily, as if he had been drowning. his fingers had dug so hard into the back of the couch that his knuckles had turned white. His other hand gripped his wand so firmly that it nearly cracked. He remained in his position until the whispers quelled and green light faded to black. Once there was only darkness he slowly released his grip on the couch.

As his eyes adjusted to the dark, he reminded himself of where he was and pieced together his surroundings. He was in Kingsley’s drawing room. Edgar’s dark figure was sprawled out on a cot adjacent to him. Sturgis was slumped over in an armchair with his arms still crossed sternly as slept soundlessly; and Peter was snoring on the floor beneath Sirius. Sirius focused on the sounds of Peter's snoring for a minute or so before releasing his wand and allowing his body to relax. He then bent over and reached into his pack below him and pulled out his watch. 

It was 4:15 in the morning. He had slept for about forty five minutes or so. That was probably the most he had slept in several days now. Fully awake, he headed into the bathroom and leaned over the sink as he surveyed his sweaty, beaten reflection in the mirror. His hair stuck up from the mixture of sweat and sleep, and his tee-shirt was soaked.

It almost made him sick, looking at himself. After splashing cold water on his face and running it back through his hair he returned to his reflection and regarded himself punitively once more. The voices played like broken records in his mind. He let them continue to play as he began to prepare for Dorcas’ funeral.

~~*~~

Sirius found himself standing in a quaint little graveyard in York close to where Dorcas had grown up. Light snow collected on the small headstones and barren trees. The pale grey sky matched the color of his eyes perfectly. It was a quiet place, which unfortunately had allowed the haunting memories to crowd Sirius' mind. He stood off alone under a tree with his arms tightly folded across his chest in a way that conveyed obvious unapproachable nonverbal communication. Dorcas’ open grave and all her funeral attendees were a ways off from where he stood. Although Sirius looked handsome and sharp in the black muggle suit he had worn out of respect to some of Dorcas’ relatives, he was strikingly pale and there was an uncharacteristic blankness about him.

Remus stood apart from the crowd as well, though he was hardly as nicely dressed as Sirius. He’d done the best he could with a worn, black overcoat. Remus didn’t feel comfortable with the rest, as he suspected that they suspected him. Even Peter could hardly look him in the eye anymore, and Remus could only wonder if he’d somehow construed a wild tale about how this had been _his_ fault, in spite of not even knowing about the raid. He felt like he knew fewer and fewer things about what the Order was doing anymore. James and Lily were still resolute in their loyalty, but they weren’t here--couldn’t be. 

The notion that Remus would have contributed even the faintest bit of information to hurt Dorcas was particularly revolting--he’d cared very deeply for her, and from the way his eyes were still bloodshot and slightly swollen, it was plain to see. Love was maybe too strong of a word, especially since it required some type of action and risk that Remus had never taken, but he had respected her immensely, enjoyed her company, was touched by her faith in him, and if things had been different--if _he_ had been different--then maybe there could have been something there. 

But there never would be.

Remus buried his hands into his pockets and stared dully ahead at the mournful ceremony. It felt like only yesterday they’d done this for his mother, and Remus wondered morosely how many more he’d have to attend or when it might be his turn.

Several order members neared Dorcas’ grave to lay flowers. Sirius' eyes flicked vacantly to several of his fellow order members. Marlene and Mary were holding one another as they lay their flowers. Mary was sobbing while Marlene appeared red-eyed and fragile, like a slate of glass. Sirius had never seen her so distraught. Kingsley had a supportive hand on Marlene’s shoulder, looking down gravely. Peter was hunched over near them, rocking back and forth as her massaged his stomach--likely on the verge of vomiting. The picture seemed to be similar for everyone-- Emmeline Vance stood close to Alice and Frank Longbottom and Hagrid, who was also openly weeping. Everyone seemed to be huddling together and uniting. Except for Sirius, who watched them all and felt nothing. Then his gaze fell on Remus, who also was alone.

For several long moments, Sirius just watched him. Remus was deeply hurt and sad. Sirius could tell because other than James, there was no one else he knew better than Remus. And really, underneath it all, Sirius still loved Remus very much. That was why he had been so hurt in the first place. 

He wasn’t watching him out of suspicion or hate just then. All he saw was one of his best friends hurting.

Dorcas had been fiercely loyal to Remus, so much so that she had really come to hate Sirius because of his suspicion. It was entirely possible that she died hating him. Out of respect to Dorcas and, really, out of love for his friend, Sirius found himself abandoning his isolated post. His polished, black shoes crunched on the frosty ground until he stood beside Remus. He kept his hands deep in his pockets but there was nothing tense or rigid about his stance. Nothing defensive.

Remus, however, tensed as Sirius approached. Every interaction they had for the past several months had turn into a fight that left Remus questioning the most fundamental parts of their friendship. He still didn’t know how Sirius could think him both a liar and a traitor, and it made him question everything they’d share. 

“I can’t do this now, not here,” Remus said, closing his eyes, because if he had to listen to some cockamanie theory about how he’d gotten Dorcas killed, he thought he might just lose it.

“I’m not here for that,” Sirius explained calmly, then broke his distant gaze to look at Remus.

“...You and Dorcas were close, I just--I’m sorry.”

Remus cast Sirius a weary look, but held his gaze. He wanted to know if Sirius was just sorry for Dorcas or sorry for _all_ of it, sorry for not trusting him and blaming him for things he hadn’t done and calling him a failure for not being able to control _Greyback_ ; as if it was so easy, as if his father hadn’t failed at the same exact thing and Remus had been the one to pay the price.

But he thought that might start an argument and he didn’t have the energy and wasn’t about to disturb the funeral.

“Me too,” was all he said after a lengthy pause.

Sirius simply stood quietly with Remus, staring distantly into nothing. He still distrusted Remus and suspected him above everyone else, but he was tired and haunted. Hating Remus took a great deal of energy since there was so much hurt behind it. With everything that had happened recently, Sirius just couldn’t mentally sustain such a draining emotion. He couldn’t save Dorcas, he couldn’t save Gideon, or Fabian, and he couldn’t save his own little brother. When Sirius had heard well over a year ago that Regulus had died he hadn’t been very much impacted by the news. Regulus had chosen his path, he chose to become a Death Eater and to get in over his head. But was it really all that simple? Sirius had still been his big brother, after all. And now he was dead. 

He failed them all.

“Some of us are going to Lily and James’ after this. Since they couldn’t be here,” he said once his thoughts circled back to the present moment. He turned back to Remus. 

“Do you want to come?”

“I’d like that,” Remus admitted--he could have made some snide remark about how frequently Sirius shut him out from them, but he just didn’t have it in him right now. The truth was, it felt increasingly as though James and Lily were the only real friends he had left, and he missed them. Remus would do just about anything to see them, and that included bending to Sirius’ terms.

Sirius nodded to Remus in response, and then walked off towards the grave to take Kingsley’s place at Marlene’s side.

~~*~~

Lily and James were clad in black--it was plain that neither of them had slept very much the night before, nor since they’d heard that Dorcas had been murdered. It wasn’t the first time either of them had faced death; both had lost their parents and several other Order members, but this one hit closer to home--Dorcas had been their classmate, one of Lily’s best friends, and she was _young_. James knew this was what they were all risking, but it still seemed profoundly unjust.

The two sat in silence in the living room, Harry fast asleep upstairs--neither had really wanted to expose him to this sorrow just yet, and so they timed the gathering in accordance with his nap schedule. James had his arm wrapped firmly around Lily, who rested her redhead on his shoulder. The sobs had subsided, but Lily was still crying softly, and she had no doubt they would resurface again once their surviving friends came over.

It was harder still that they couldn’t join the funeral, that they couldn’t mourn properly, as it was Lily, James, and Harry who the Death Eaters wanted dead most of all.

At the sound of the door, James rose with Lily at his side, and he felt very heavy indeed as he walked over to the door. He opened it to Sirius, Marlene, Peter, and Remus; James was bitterly reminded of Christmas only two months before when Dorcas had been there, too.

It was enough to bring back the tears, and James collapsed into Sirius’ arms as Lily embraced Marlene, then Remus and Peter in turn.

“Come in,” James croaked, letting Sirius go, then hugging both Remus and Peter as he led them inside. 

Sirius forced a small smile for Lily and James before he walked into their living room and fell onto the couch.

Peter had followed behind Sirius, appearing dodgy and watery-eyed. It was difficult enough to have to endure the funeral, facing Lily and James was becoming unbearable. He stood next to the couch where Sirius sat, appearing markedly uncomfortable as he shifted his weight from one side to the other while ringing his fingers. Every few seconds he would nervously clear his throat.

“Sorry I haven’t come sooner,” Sirius said to Lily and James with exhaustion while he massaged his temple with his fingers.

“It’s alright, I know it must have been busy arranging everything,” James said, as Remus and Marlene took a seat across from him.

Lily wiped away some fresh tears, “I just wish we could have helped more,” she said regretfully.

“Lils, don’t worry...but we’re sorry you couldn’t be there, too,” Marlene sniffed.

Sirius had returned to staring blankly when he became aware that Peter was still awkwardly hovering over him.

“Would you like a royal invitation to sit your colossal arse down?” He barked at Peter. They had been spending far too much time together in the last two weeks for Sirius’ patience to endure. Without James to constantly cling to, Sirius appeared to become Peter's new support system. Which wasn’t working out very well for Peter.

Peter appeared profoundly startled by the attention and began to perspire. He went to sit down close to Sirius, but the glare he received advised him otherwise. Instead, Peter went and sat on a chair next to Lily and Remus--which only worsened his anxiety.

“I--I’m sorry. Just...sad, you know. All of it...just...so terrible…”

Sirius sighed exasperatedly and tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling.

Lily frowned sympathetically and took Peter’s hand, “I know, Peter,” she said softly. 

Peter’s eyes widened when Lily took his hand. The knot of guilt twisted in his guts. Fresh tears welled in his eyes and his lip began to quiver.

“You’ve always been s--so kind, Lily. And James. Both such g--good friends. so very…” His cheeks turned red from holding back sobs. But he could only hold back for so long. Peter suddenly wrapped his arms around Lily and sobbed into her shoulder.

Lily embraced Peter in turn, crying harder now herself at witnessing her friend’s grief. James, too, was grief-stricken, and he rose to sit beside Peter and Lily.

Remus, however, turned suddenly, struck by Peter’s choice of words; he was talking about James and Lily as if _they_ were dead. He opened his mouth as if to say something, to point it out, but with Peter so distraught that it felt inappropriate. Besides, he probably didn’t mean anything by it…

And yet, it still didn’t sit well with Remus.

Sirius groaned and shook his head in misery at he witnessed this display. There wasn’t enough alcohol in the world for this. He allowed it to go on for another few seconds, given the circumstances. He counted to three in his mind before releasing his impulses.

“Pete, piss off you sodding maggot. The last thing Lily needs is to bathe in your bodily fluids. My sheets nearly immolated themselves after a night with you.”

Marlene shot Sirius a scowl before turning to Peter with her features sobering, "Sorry Pete, What he is _trying_ to say is that you might feel a bit better after washing your face. He forgets we don't all speak _tosser_." She finished, shooting Sirius another pointed look. 

Peter looked up from Lily at Marlene and Sirius, still sobbing and drooling. He nodded and wobbled off to the bathroom, heaving.

Lily watched Peter go, if only for lack of anything better to do. She turned back, staring bleakly at the floor. “Should we...maybe all say something about Dorcas?” she suggested, because she felt as though they should do _something_ other than sit here and cry.

Marlene nodded, tearful. She was about to find her words when she was distracted by Sirius, who had sighed loudly.

He ran his hands through his hair in frustration before abruptly standing up.

“I’m getting some air,” he declared and strode out through the front door. 

Remus watched as Sirius left, frowning slightly.

~~*~~

Standing on the porch near the bannister, Sirius began to fumble through the inside pockets of his suit jacket for a cigarette. He stuck the cigarette between his teeth and struggled to hastily light it. It wasn’t that he didn’t have anything to say about Dorcas. The words were just too heavy for his voice to carry. Perhaps there weren't any words for it all. And his thoughts weren’t going to help anyone else, anyway.

After a few minutes, James emerged from the front door, pulling a coat on over his sweater. He frowned and there was a crease between his brows--his typical expression when there was something wrong with one of his friends that he couldn’t fix. James’ face was fixed in this way more and more often recently than he’d like.

“Hey,” said James.

Sirius’ eyes flicked to James momentarily. He exhaled smoke and returned his blank gaze to the four boys he had been watching as they played in the snow across the street. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he warned, leaning both his forearms on the railing. 

James shrugged, “I wasn’t going to make you,” he said.

Sirius sighed in response, allowing some tension to release from his shoulders. 

“I know,” he replied after a moment, turning back to James. 

“I miss you,” he added, smiling a bit in surrender. James never really had to do much to get Sirius to open up. “I fucking _miss_ you, alright. I knew I had to accept that you wouldn’t always be just one bed over from me,” he smiled slightly, “But you're not around and I just feel like I don’t recognize my life anymore.”

James sighed and smiled in a forlorn sort of way, “I miss you too,” said James. “And...I know what you mean. It just feels like I don't have any control over anything anymore.”

Sirius nodded, feeling understood. He stood up from the bannister and crossed his arms tightly across his chest for warmth, basically freezing by this point. But at least he could feel something.

“I wish you could just come out for a few pints with me, you know?” he sighed. “It used to be fun, living at all these different safe houses with you. But now I’d really just like to sleep in my own bed for once without fucking Mad-eye visiting at three in the morning,” he sniggered, but there was longing behind it.

“Me too,” James said longingly--he knew that he and Lily were doing the right thing, but that didn't mean they didn't _both_ miss their old lives, their normal lives. 

He chuckled at the remark about Moody, but James didn't miss the longing in Sirius’ voice. “Yeah...I’ve got the my own bed part covered, but I wish I could, you know...leave this town sometimes.” 

“You handle it better than I would,” Sirius admitted with a small grin. “I’d probably sit rocking in the corner eating my hair all day if I had to stay in one place for so long.”

“Erm, there is one good thing that’s come of all this,” Sirius went on, taking a drag from his cigarette to hesitate. “I did ask Marly to go out with me right before the raid. And for whatever reason she said yes.”

James spun around to face Sirius more directly, his expression stunned--not because Marlene said yes, but because he could tell from the tone of Sirius’ voice that that this really mattered to him and Sirius had never been one for real relationships before.

“That’s brilliant, mate!” James said once he recovered. “I can think of a lot of reasons why she said yes.”

“Yeah, well, be sure to add ‘possible stroke’ to your list,” Sirius sniggered with a grin. “I dunno if this is the best decision on my part, though,” he went on, his features hardening. “Mad-Eye’s right...They're watching me. During the raid I went to ambush Bellatrix but she knew I was coming. She knew to bring up Marlene to throw me off.”

“And this isn’t just me being paranoid,” Sirius explained gravely. “I walked into that room and she was just waiting for me.”

James listened grimly, he knew it wasn't just paranoia...James also knew _he_ was the reason they were all so interested in Sirius. They must have suspected him to be their secret keeper; or, rather, even if they knew nothing about the fidelius charm, they knew Sirius must know something about where they were--and they were right, of course.

“I'm sorry, Pads,” he murmured, rubbing his eyes beneath his glasses. “Maybe we should've just gone with Dumbledore, it was always a lot to ask...but even if we did, they'd probably still suspect that you'd know something,” James sighed from the futility of it all. He still couldn't understand how Voldemort could even consider Harry to be a real threat.

“Don’t ever regret asking me to do this,” said Sirius sternly, staring at James. He had nearly interrupted James the moment he apologized. “All you did was ask. It was _my _decision to accept. Have you ever known me to say yes to something that I didn’t want to do?” he asked, raising his brow.__

James’ brow furrowed as he turned Sirius’ words over again, “They knew about you and Marlene, though?” 

Sirius vacantly watched his fingers put the cigarette out in the snow while he reflected back on the raid. Doing so was like looking down into a fog; the Cruciatus curse had muddied several aspects of his reality that night. He couldn’t remember the physical pain, but that deafening sound was now eerily imbedded into his mind. He shivered violently at the auditory memory and stuffed his hands into his pockets to ground himself. 

“I dunno the extent of it but Bellatrix at least knew we were messing around.” When his eyes flicked back to James he remembered that he had never actually shared that information with him. 

“Erm, which I didn’t even tell _you_ about. Sorry about that one, mate.”

“Nah, that’s alright,” James said--he had no choice but to accept that news typically came to Godric’s Hollow on a delay now, if at all. He also suspected this was one of those things that mattered so much to Sirius that he was anxious to let on, lest he appear human. 

“I knew Lily would scalp me if she found out,” Sirius continued. “But in my defense, she started it.” He explained with a smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth. 

Flashing a grin, James bumped his shoulder playfully into Sirius’, “Did she now?” 

Sirius’ eyes flashed deviously. “Oh yes. Practically begged me,” he lied. 

“I find it very hard to believe Marly would have so little sense as to initiate all this,” teased James. 

“Yes, well, I do have an intoxicating effect on women,” Sirius grinned. 

James’ grin dimmed as he thought more on what Sirius had said earlier, “So how do you think Bellatrix found out?” he asked wearily. <

Sirius’ smug smile also vanished as they came back to this grim reality. “I dunno,” he sighed, looking away thoughtfully. “I haven’t told anyone and I don’t think Marly has...Well, actually, Mad-eye knows. But I can’t really picture him gossiping about anything, let alone my sex life,” he said with amusement. 

“Oh, and Pete,” Sirius suddenly recalled. “Blundering oaf walked in on us once and hasn’t shut up about it to me since. Poor bloke must be realizing that he’s likely to die a virgin,” he sniggered. “But he wouldn’t tell anyone, obviously.” 

James frowned, “Of course he wouldn't,” he agreed swiftly, “Neither would Moody, though, and not just because he probably doesn't give a shite, but there's no way Moody is a turncoat. He's the most vehemently anti-Death Eater fanatic I know.” 

“Exactly,” Sirius agreed, nodding. “See how bloody hard this is,” he sighed. 

“I’ll take care of it. Don’t worry about it,” he then added firmly, though his utterly drained disposition wasn’t exactly convincing. 

James shook his head, forlorn, “I wish I could do more to help _you_ shoulder it….and you’re not exactly safe either, you know?” he said and sighed, “I wish I could help.” 

Sirius offered James a tired smile and put his hand on his shoulder. “I know, mate. You’re doing everything you can,” he said gently. 

“We should probably head back in before Peter chokes himself to death with his own tears,” he suggested, nodding back towards the house. 

James cringed, “Yeah...can’t blame him, really, but still…” he trailed off, letting the words go unspoken: Peter was a bit much.

“but still he's an arsemongering muppet,” Sirius completed James' sentence, letting the words be spoken before leading James back inside the house.


	9. March, 1981: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Sirius told him to make it quick, Peter's brain immediately turn to goo, rendering him incapable of making it quick. Peter opened his mouth then closed it hesitantly--it wasn’t easy casting suspicion on Remus when Peter was the only one who knew with total certainty that no one had any reason to be suspicious of Remus.
> 
> He knew he was rapidly losing Sirius’ attention--Peter had to say something that would get it back fast.

Following a Death eater attack on muggles in central London, several order members were temporarily housed in the dingy, yet warm bedrooms above the Leaky Cauldron. In the event that another attack initiated, they were in close proximity and ready to retaliate. With such a limitation on the number of available rooms, several members were crammed into the cupboard-sized bedrooms.

Peter, Sirius and Remus had been assigned a room together that night, which was a request that Peter had not expected to have been accepted by Remus and Sirius (particularly by Sirius); and yet, Peter found the three of them sharing a room without any protests.

Peter, as usual, had been designated the least desirable space in the room to rest: The floor. He lay on his back like a beached whale atop a moth-eaten, springy mattress that more closely resembled parchment than any type of furniture. Luckily, Peter could fall asleep anywhere and was well accustomed to drawing the short end of the stick. He wasn’t asleep now, however. Peter was beginning to realize that there was a strange feeling in the room.

He rolled over onto his side and observed Sirius, who was laying propped up by his elbows on his bed, shirtless and wearing headphones as he worked on a cross-word puzzle. _The Sex Pistols_ were playing so loudly that the headphones were basically unnecessary. Overall, he seemed to be completely at ease.

Frowning at this, Peter turned towards the second bed, which was hardly three feet away from Sirius. Remus sat up straight with his back against the bed’s termite-gnawed headboard. Despite appearing exhausted, Remus was fully immersed his edition of _Transfiguration Today_ , which Peter could discern because Remus was doing that thing where he would regularly trace his bottom lip with his thumb. He did this whenever he was so deep in thought that nothing around him could break his concentration. Living with James and Sirius for so long required him to develop this skill.

Based on Peter’s observations, both Sirius and Remus appeared to be in their very natural dispositions. There wasn’t a semblance of animosity or the usual tension that Peter had come to cherish between his “friends.” In fact, Peter’s stomach churned as he realized he felt as if he was back at their Hogwarts dormitory. Peter desperately needed Remus and Sirius to remain enemies. It was the only way he could scrape through this entire situation alive. The Death Eaters were just about ready to kill him off, and now If Sirius and Remus reunited then it was only a matter of time before they discovered the true spy…

Maybe he was just being paranoid…

Sirius suddenly pulled down his headphones and sighed deeply with frustration. 

“What’s the name of those giant, poisonous snails? Starts with an S...” 

Peter looked up, and to his horror, realized that Sirius was addressing Remus.

“Remember, in second year we convinced Yaxley that a regular snail was one of them and he went streaking across the grounds,” he added, sniggering

It took Remus a moment to shift his attention from a dense research paper to Sirius’ question; ever quick-witted, Remus had a ready answer.

“Streelers,” he answered easily, smiling at the memory, “Yeah, I gave the final nudge on that one. I don’t think he expected _me_ to lie,” Remus sniggered in turn. “A real thick tosser, that Yaxley.”

“James and I were pretty stunned as well,” Sirius grinned with amusement. “That’s when we knew we had finally corrupted you.”

Peter’s eyes darted back and forth from Remus to Sirius as they spoke with his mouth agape.

_”Sirius,”_ he hissed, hoping he could snap Sirius out of this dangerous nostalgia and back into reality. 

Unsurprisingly, Peter’s interruption went unacknowledged by Sirius. Instead he smiled at Remus' laugh then pulled his headphones back over his ears and returned to his puzzle.

~~*~~

A few days later at Sirius’ flat, Peter and Sirius were versing each other in an intense video game match of asteroids on Sirius’ new Atari. Peter was very clearly winning.

“How the fuck are you so good at this?” Sirius demanded as he glanced at Peter’s score on the television, gripping his controller and pounding the buttons as if his life depended on it.

“Dunno!” Peter piped breathlessly. He was inhaling rapidly as if he had been running a marathon and was gleaming with sweat.

Their respective digital spaceships continued to blast incoming bleeping asteroids until the timer ran out. Peter let out a triumphant _whoop_ upon being declared the winner while Sirius scowled in defeat, despondent as he returned to his ale.

“I _beat_ you!” Peter gasped, wonderstruck as he beamed at Sirius. “I _never_ beat you!”

“Don’t get used to it,” Sirius grumbled begrudgingly.

“Wanna play again?” Peter asked enthusiastically, to which Sirius almost instantly replied in his cheery, pithy manner: “No.”

“Come on, Pads. I’ll go easy on you,” Peter grinned, which earned him Sirius’ middle finger. Peter could tell that Sirius was amused by the small smirk he wore when he looked away.

Sirius then turned off the game with a lazy flick of his wand and instead turned on _The Shining_ , a movie that he knew terrified Peter. Peter groaned once he realized what they were watching and instinctively tried to curl up closer to Sirius on the couch.

“Would you like to cuddle?” Sirius asked sardonically, raising his brow.

“I would _like_ you to shut this off,” Peter insisted, casting a weary look at the television set and then a pleading one back at Sirius.

Sirius stared at Peter devilishly and smirked while he increased the volume of the television with his wand.

A few minutes later Sirius’ eyes darted down to his watch.

“I’m going out in a bit so you should probably head home soon.” Honest and direct, the Sirius Black way.

Peter was alarmed to hear that Sirius was planning to go so soon--he hadn’t even accomplished what he’d set out to do, and Peter knew it was going to be a shoddy attempt as it was. With the added element of enticing Sirius to stay, Peter half felt like giving up.

But he knew that Dumbledore had confirmed there was a spy among them, and Peter _needed_ Sirius to believe it was Remus. As usual, his survival instinct overrode his doubt--and every other emotion that was still swirling around inside him.

“Wait, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” Peter said, opting for honest and direct too...well, maybe not so honest.

“Well make it quick then,” Sirius replied impatiently without removing his eyes from the television. 

When Sirius told him to make it quick, Peter's brain immediately turn to goo, rendering him incapable of making it quick. Peter opened his mouth then closed it hesitantly--it wasn’t easy casting suspicion on Remus when Peter was the only one who knew with total certainty that no one had any reason to be suspicious of Remus.

He knew he was rapidly losing Sirius’ attention--Peter had to say something that would get it back fast.

Then Peter got it--he’d mention Marly.

“Remus was asking a whole bunch of questions about Marly the other day,” Peter said nervously, “I just thought you’d want to know.”

Sirius had turned to face Peter to fast that Pete barely had a moment to blink.

“What do you mean? What was he asking?” Sirius appeared angry, almost truculent with his brow furrowed defensively, but something about the widening of his eyes was suggestive of fear.

Peter started sweating at the prospect of having to give more details, but he couldn’t help but notice how quickly Sirius had turned irate. Maybe he didn’t have to be all that specific.

“I-I don’t know, just stuff like if there’s something going on between you two, where she lives, what her wards are like--” he inhaled deeply, as if he’d just run a marathon, “He made it seem like he wanted to help her with some new ones, but...I don’t know, it was kind of weird,” he lied through his teeth.

Sirius clung to Peter’s every word with intense concentration. Although he was underwhelmed with Peter’s descriptions he was too agitated in that moment to notice.

“ _’It was kind of weird?’_ ’” Sirius imitated Peter, clearly enraged. “Remus asking those type of questions is not _kind of weird_ you bloody idiot. What the fuck did you say? And why did you wait until _days_ later to tell me?” he demanded, snarling at this point. 

Peter was perspiring profusely at this point.

“Of--of course I didn’t tell him anything!” he burst--which was true, because this conversation hadn’t happened at all. “I...I told him I didn’t know and he should ask Marly if he was interested in helping with her wards,” Peter bit on his lip, contemplating what to say to the next question. “I guess I just--you guys seemed like you were getting along so well, like old times. I didn’t want to make something out of nothing.”’

Sirius grabbed Peter by the shirt and pulled him so close to his face that Sirius’ sharp, straight nose touched Peter’s stubby nose.

“You _better_ not have,” Sirius snarled through gritted teeth. “What the fuck do you think about during the _hours_ we spend in training? What you’re going to eat for lunch? I swear if someone screamed _‘I’m a death eater,’_ to your face you still wouldn’t realize.”

Sirius released Peter and finished off his ale, slamming the empty glass on the coffee table.

“Now get out.”

Peter scrambled out of Sirius’ flat on command--he didn’t want to ruin what turned out to be a, somehow, successful smear plot.

He was also genuinely afraid of Sirius.

~~*~~

Sirius’ immediate solution to the news he just learned from Peter was to drink heavily. He hadn’t shown up to pick up Marly--instead he consumed nearly the entire bottle of Macallan rare cask single malt scotch whiskey that James had given him when asking Sirius to be his best man.

He sat in the dark at the bench of his baby grand piano, sloppily playing Chopin’s Nocturne no. 20 in c sharp minor with his right hand. His left hand held a whiskey glass which contained the remains of the bottle. The sway of his body made it painfully clear that he was extraordinarily inebriated. 

“Hey, asshole,” Marlene greeted after letting herself in through his wards. In a normal world, Marly would probably have just said _fuck him_ for standing her up and trash talked him to Lily, Dorcas, and Mary. But--well--Dorcas was dead now, and she felt obliged to come check on Sirius to make sure the reason he was standing her up wasn’t because he was too.  


Needless to say, she was still royally pissed, though.

It took Sirius several long moments to realize that Marlene was there. Eventually he tilted his head up and noticed her standing above him. He stopped playing the piano but continued to drink.

“Hey, Mars,” he said cheerily with bloodshot eyes, clearly not picking up on her anger.

“Mum used to tell everyone how Beethoven was a pureblood wizard. Obviously only a pureblood could write such _majestic_ music,” he chuckled. “But Chopin? No, no. He was a dirty muggle and a scoundrel!” Sirius threw his head back and emitted his back laugh then played Chopin’s no. 20 twirly crescendo on the piano.

“It’s the small victories, innit?” he looked back up at Marlene with a sloppy grin.

Marlene watch this display with a steely, firm jaw. She took the whiskey from his loose, drunkard’s grip and took a swing before dumping the rest in the garbage. 

“I’m not sure what’s a bigger risk to you, sometimes, the Death Eaters or yourself,” she said bluntly.

Sirius grinned at the insult, “Touché,” he laughed, wagging his finger at her.

He then stood up, stumbling abruptly as he did so. To catch himself he put his hand out and it collided with several piano keys, creating a jarring sound that lingered hauntingly in the flat. Once he stabilized himself he approached Marlene and stood closely to her.

“Listen,” he began, still wearing a loopy grin. “Have you ever been to the south of France? You would love it. Let’s go. We can start at Valras Plage and just keep moving to see them all. It’ll be grand. Let’s go tonight. What do you say? You don’t even have to pack or anything, I can buy you new clothes, alright?”

Despite the smile, it was obvious he felt panicked. He took her hand and gave her a nervous, searching look.

“It’ll be great, really. You’ll love it. Wha’d’ou say?”

Marlene rolled her eyes, “You’ll splinch your dick off if you try apparating anywhere in this state, and then what use will I have for you?” she asked. Still...she gave Sirius’ hand a reassuring squeeze, frowning as she detected a bit of-- _something_ in that look. 

She let go of his and grabbed an empty glass from the kitchen, filling it with water with a flick of her wand. She handed it to Sirius.

“What’s going on with you, for real?” Marlene asked him.

Sirius took the drink and scowled when he came to realize that it was water. He shot her a disgruntled look before sipping some of it, just to amuse her.

Then he flopped back down onto the piano bench and leaned sloppily on the piano (the keys once again blared unhappily). He looked as though he was only moments away from either passing out on it right there or vomiting. Nursing the water, he opened his cloudy eyes a crack to stare off into nothing.

“I don’t want you to die,” he simply blurted out, too drunk to be cagey.

Marlene inhaled sharply through her nose, a sudden stab of sympathy--and, admittedly, fear--gripping her chest.

She sat down on the piano bench beside Sirius, resting her head on his shoulder.

“I don’t want to die either,” Marlene admitted, “And I don’t want _you_ to die,” she paused, letting those thoughts sit for a moment or two.

“But I’m not sure all this…” she waved her hand vaguely around them, as if the self-destruction was a tangible thing, “is really going to help that.”

“You’re prob’ly right,” Sirius admitted with a sleepy smile. “I’m sorry,” he apologized, which was as rare as seeing a unicorn.

“I really would’ve taken you to the south of France, you know,” he said with his eyes closed, drifting out of consciousness.

“And you really would have splinched your dick off, you know.”


End file.
